Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   setting a liar's pants on fire considered arson? Asking for a friend.

   HER: Will you miss me? ME: Only if you run in a zig-zag pattern

   Love is...never having to say “wrong hole”

   No way the Reese's Cups make it till Tuesday...

   Life doesn’t hand me lemons, it fires them at me rapidly from a lemon cannon.

   If Trump is actually guilty in the Russia scandals then I will seriously commit suicide.

   I got bone spurs, that jingle jangle jingles.....

   Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always like to write "Last warning. You have a week to get the rest of the money together. Next time we won't be so nice."

   I am in a bloodsucking relationship with survival.

   Began training today for my new career in mixed martial arts and crafts. B

   Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he'll sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

   "Anybody can throw a slant" except maybe University of Florida

   If kids are so wonderful why do you have to pay people to watch them?

   Remember before hand sanitizer & antibacterial soap when we slammed our faces into a slobber-filled bucket of water trying to get an apple?

   Can anyone recommend a good book to tell people I'm reading?

   Social media is perfect when you're feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.

   It's always awkward when you scan your neighbors house and lock eyes with another set of binoculars.

   Failure is not an option. It comes bundled as part of the package.

   “Forgive me Father for I have sinned” and “Sorry Daddy I’ve been bad” both mean very similar things, but have wildly different connotations

   You know things are bad when George Dubya tells his Dad to stop embarassing the family!