Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 820 of 6446

When asked why he was wearing a tuxedo to his vasectomy. Tyrone said, well if I'm gona be impotent, I might as well look impotent.
←Rate |
03-06-2018 17:32 by Jake
Comments (0)

My parents would not let me watch any violent movies. Instead we played board games with questions like "Who murdered this guy with a candlestick?"
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:38
Comments (0)

This is Assumption Club. I think we all know why we are here.
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:34
Comments (0)

Today I am contemplating how much longer I would live if someone shouted "Run for your life!"
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:30
Comments (0)

I raised my daughter to believe she can do anything but that did not include eating cheesecake in the shower
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:22
Comments (0)

Wild horses could not drag me away from this lasagna dinner because they lack opposible thumbs and organizational skills
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:20
Comments (0)

My wife is a teacher. If they issue her a gun I will be dead by Thursday.
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:14
Comments (0)

Anyone know how Pink's parents are named? I am assuming Red and White.
←Rate |
03-06-2018 12:12
Comments (0)

If you eat at McDonald's, I doubt fresh vs frozen beef is your biggest concern...
←Rate |
03-06-2018 08:50
Comments (0)

I didn't give anything up for Lent. I just gave up.
←Rate |
03-06-2018 08:42
Comments (0)

So it's been reported that Trevor Baylis has passed away?
Is this a wind up?
←Rate |
03-06-2018 03:58 by Truman
Comments (0)

When I found out that the sperm bank paid for donations. I realised that I had let a fortune slip through my fingers.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 23:41 by Jake
Comments (0)

Roses are red, violets are blue. I've got five fingers, and just one is for you.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 23:35 by Jake
Comments (0)

We need to make guns illegal, like we did with drugs. You can’t find that stuff anywhere nowadays.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 21:44
Comments (4)

My wife is like a peach. She too has a hart of stone.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 13:49 by Jake
Comments (2)

I carry a picture of my wife in my wallet. It helps me remember why there is no money in it.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 13:47 by Jake
Comments (0)

Winning trade wars is so easy. Just ask George Bu.sh.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 12:24
Comments (0)

They shun Ryan Seacrest and give Kobe an Oscar. I guess the message is, don’t talk about it, just shut up and rape.

Society needs to teach every little girl that she's smart and her brains will make her beautiful. This will help her grow into a confident and independent woman who doesn’t feel like she is nothing but a sex object.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 10:56
Comments (2)

My life is stitched together with vices.
←Rate |
03-05-2018 10:35
Comments (0)