Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for booze

   I put the Nicoderm patch on my exhaust pipe & it still smokes. I don't think those work as good as they claim

   Over the top, over the top, over the top. Stop with the Jan Brady already .

   The real reason Trump has fired so many people is, he really likes eating their going away cake.

   I lost my job as a Walmart greeter. Apparently it's okay when people enter the store to say, "Welcome to Walmart" . . . but not okay to add "and that's not just the booze talking, either!"

   A best friend is like a four leaf clover. They're both hard to find and lucky to have.

   If you cross a 4-leaf clover with poison ivy you'll end up with a rash of good luck.

   Somebody needs to invent a Keurig but for fudge brownies

   A good way to understand the importance of wood grain is to pet a cat.

   I used to think women were the weaker sex until the first night my wife took all the bed covers

   I can't decide whether to install a TV in the bathroom or a urinal in the family room.

   Women have options. Men have responsibilities.

   Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, here’s a gentle reminder that the moon’s diameter is 3475Km in diameter and you could not have fked this up more

   Do necrophyliacs need dead batteries for their sex toys?

   You can take the New Yorker out of New York, but you can't take the New York out of the New Yorker.

   Turtles are lucky because they come with their own nap forts.

   Now that Steven Hawking is gone, who will do the emergency alert broadcasts on the radio?

   Πr² ? No. Pie are round. Cake are square.

   pi day & hump day....it must be "Jason Biggs day"

   I saw a woman at Walmart with March Madness teeth.. She was down to the final four.