Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I just got a gig as lead singer for my car.

   The most misinformed people think they know all the facts.

   Fun fact: Easter is April 1st. The last time Easter was on April 1st was in 1956. And the next time willbe 2029.

   Switching off my mother inlaw's life support machine was very difficult. I had to fight off a doctor, a nurse and two security guards. Beeeeeeeep

   When I first met my wife she had a little heart tattoo between her breasts. Now it's her belly button.

   Drinking with your significant other is always a fun time so please respect our privacy at this crucial time.

   The misuse of users’ Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress. He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

   If you don't like Trump...leave the country.simple as that.

   If you call me from a private number I'll respect your privacy and not answer

   effective way of getting back at someone is to ask them a yes or no question like this - "Have you stopped putting your head up ur a$$ these days ?

   Nothing says "My balls are kept in a jar inside her purse" quite like a joint Facebook account

   Key to any successful marriage is to discuss everything together and then finally settling with the wife's decision

   A university's study of the human brain said the only difference between a wowan's brain and a man's brain is that the woman's brain is located in their head.

   Since Easter sunday is also April fool's day as a April fool's prank. Besides dyeing raw eggs (That I mention in an earlies status) I also willbe substituting the candy choclate balls with chocolate covered brussel sprouts.

   With all the misspelled words trump has tweeted. I hope he never tweets "Preparing to launch." In stead of "lunch"

   With all the white house leaks, they should lay in a supply of depends.

   I was addicted to Tide Pods.....but I'm clean now.

   I have a sneaking suspicion that Elton John couldn’t have cared less about how tight Susie wore her dresses.

   The DOW has drop to its lowest point of all time! Let's celebrate!

   These Bombings in Austin Could Have Been Avoided With Bomb Control Laws... Raising Bomb Making Age to 21 & "Bomb Free Zones"