Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When someone knocks on my door, I find the best thing to do is knock back from my side. Then they go away.

   All my updates will be posted in CAPITALS from now on. I posted this one in Atlanta.

   Sorry Facebook ... you didn't protect me, my kids and grandma's secret peach cobbler recipe. You're now the new MySpace to me.

   I don’t remember the last time I knew what I was doing.

   The worst feeling in the world is when you hear someone with heels heading your direction, sounding like a real hot babe, only to find out its either some old hag or a guy with coowboy boots on

   Fought a guy in a wheelchair. He said I'll get you when I get to heaven and get my legs back. I said, it's a Stairway to Heaven, not a ramp

   Wondering why people who are in Love would want to re-arrange the alphabets "I" and "U" to express their feelings, honestly I don't see a valid reason of doing that whatsoever

   So do people who are observing their fasts for whatever reason put pics of empty plates on Instagram?

   So Ronda Rousey finally fulfilled her dream of being an actress on WWE. Congratulations.

   ndian housewives hold 11% of the world's gold — that's more than the reserves of the U.S, Germany, and Switzerland put together

   enough already we don’t love you at your that or at your this

   We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.

   Don't make me go all shouty capitals on you ...

   A white lie is like a regular lie except it orders a grande, iced, sugar-free, vanilla latte, with soy milk from Starbucks.

   If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.

   How to strengthen your abs: 1. lie down and put your hands behind your head... Wow, what great position for a nap, better take a nap.

   a bisexual a person who pays for sex?

   You know you're broke when American Express calls you and says: "Leave home without it"

   Daddy, all the Mexicans are gone, why haven't you got a job yet?

   ‪The first idiot to complain that it’s too hot this summer is getting hit with a 10lb. bag of ice!‬