g0re Funny Status Messages

   New rule: if you're watching tv and have no idea what the f*ck is going on, it's a car commercial.

   I am not really scared that the world will end on 12/21/2012...I"m just scared of what crazy things people will do on that day.

   I just took a 5 hour energy and a sleeping pill...LET THE BATTLE BEGIN.

   There were 2 cows in a field. One cow says ''Moo." The other cow replies,'Shut the f*ck up you uneducated twat'',

   Fastest way to get through a crowd: Walk fast, look worried, and yell"Timmy? TIMMY?! WHERE ARE YOU TIMMY?!".

   I find it rude and inconsiderate that my grandchildren haven't time- traveled to come and visit me.

   "Knock knock." "Who's there?""Dave." "Dave who?" Dave holds back tears as he realises his mother's Alzheimer's is getting worse.

   When Hermione's true love left her, she continued on to help Harry defeat the most powerful wizard of all time. When Bella's true love left her, she curled up in the fetal position for four months, cried, and jumped off a cliff..

   "Knock, knock," "Who's there?" "To.""To who?" "To whom."

   What do Amish people and homeless people have in common? They can't read this.

   While Lebron is playing for the East, his mom was riding the West.

   I hate it when your girlfriend asks you to hold her handbag, and it doesn't match what you're wearing.

   When girls impersonate guys, they make their voice deeper and add a "stupid" tone to it. When guys impersonate girls, we make our voice go an octave higher and add an attitude.

   Math tells us of the 3 saddest love stories: Of parallel lines, who were never meant to meet. Of tangent lines, who were together once then parted forever. And of asymptotes, who could only get closer and closer, but never could be together.

   Jesus can walk on water. Humans are 75% water. I can walk on humans. Therefore, I am 75% Jesus,

   What if P Diddy was actually called Pete Diddy and we just misheard him and now he just goes with it because it's too late to correct everyone, but every night he goes home and cries and whispers to himself "My name is Pete".

   Someone should invent a bra that plays music so girls can't complain that guys always stare at their boobs and never listen to them.

   *Logs onto FaceBook and reads* 5 song lyrics, 2 people telling what they're doing right then at that very moment, 3 stupid pictures of food or funny faces, 4 attempts at a witty remark, 1 truly funny witty remark, and a person who likes 75 pages.

   He knows when you are sleeping He knows when you're awake. He knows if you've been bad or good… Sounds like Santa's got a Facebook.

   If facebook had an anonymous button, then all hell would break loose.