life Funny Status Messages

   My only real goal in life is to fart loud enough to trigger a car alarm.

   Life hack: Hung over at work? Set up a ladder and take a nap at the bottom. If you’re caught, you can claim that you fell and got knocked out.

   You may be the sole purpose in life to serve as a warning to others.

   I'm writing a book about all the things I should be doing with my life. It's an Oughtobiography.

   I told my wife when I said I liked it rough I didn't mean my whole life.

   Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.

   Life has to be about more than just solving problems

   I went to confession. Things in my life have gotten way out of hand and I mean WAY out. For penance, the priest gave me 10 Hail Marys, 10 Act of Contritions, 10 Our Fathers and a Do It Yourself Crucifixion kit from IKEA.

   I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.

   Men pick their favorite sports team when they are like 11 and let it make them upset for the rest of their life.

   helped my neighbor with something this morning and she said to me "I could marry you!" I couldn't believe it... you do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return...

   So...you've been eating hot dogs, chicken nuggets and other processed meats all your life, but you won't get the shot because you don't know what's in it????

   I've been reading 'Lord Of The Rings' and apparently, Gollum was once a normal man, but wearing the ring drained him of his youth, energy and any joy in life... Must be the same ring I put on when I got married...

   watching "forensic files" & a commercial comes on about buying life insurance ... know your audience

   Life and beer are very similar... chill for best results.

   My wife asked me with loving eyes, "What did I do to deserve you?" I responded, "I'm guessing something horrible in a past life!"

   Saying "I fell in love with a dictator" is something I will never say in my life.

   All my life I’ve wanted to learn to juggle. I just never had the balls to do it.

   that's pathetic: that the iphone 13 is identical to it's previous models but only give us a better battery life. Sad part is people fall for apple laziness

   “Buy a man eat fish, the day, teach man, to life time.” ~ Joe Biden