Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mrs. Huxtable is not gonna be pleased.

   hey! hey! hey! - Bill Cosby after spiking a woman's drink.

   I bet Batman’s cape gets stuck in the car door more times than he’s willing to admit.

   Ostriches can’t fly, but mostly because they can’t figure out airline luggage rules.

   I get paid to be nice to people at work. Why does everybody expect me to do it for free on my own time?

   Just once I would like to cross my I's and dot my T's

   Dwayne 'The Rock' Johnson just had a baby girl and did not name her 'Pebble.'

   I have learned to protect myself against identity theft by keeping a low credit score and no money.

   Some young millennial social justice warrior told me I need to check my white privilege. OK. I checked. I'm white and feel privileged to be so. I'm done here.

   There's a reason why Kayne West is broke.

   When I first heard of 'Keeping up with the Kardashians' I initially thought it was supposed to be a Star Trek show about the Klingon rivals...

   Most of you believe that this is April. It’s actually the 114th of January.

   Having one child makes you a parent. Having two a referee

   Another woman cause me to leave my wife. It was her mother.

   My wife says I only have two faults. #1. I don't pay enough attention to her. #2. And something else.

   I think the toothbrush was invented in England. If it was invented anywhere else it would be called the teethbrush.

   My wife's cooking is so bad, we pray after the meal.

   Why do ugly strippers charge as much as the pretty ones?

   Guys we're having "Little Seizures" tonight!

   Just purchased the Barbie doll Collector's Edition. Comes complete with a pre-nup and all of Ken's stuff!