Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I never repeat gossip. So you'll have to listen very carefully the first time.

   I have a tremendous sex drive. My girlfriend lives 25 miles away.

   Can I take my emotional support horse on a plane?

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, I wonder if he was voted "Most Likely to Secede."

   We’ll continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself.

   Sharks don't kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.

   Whose bright idea was it to allow spiders, snakes and mosquitos on the ark? I want names.

   "That microwave TV dinner was remarkably delicious and quite filling." ...Said no one ever.

   Me: "I'm disappointed with my life." Life: "The feeling is mutual."

   Husband asks to see my phone. ***Swallows phone like a boa constrictor.***

   The reason you get paid more at a sperm bank than a blood bank is because the sperm is hand made.

   The reason people like dogs is because dogs wag their tails instead of their tongues

   If you lend a friend some money and you never see them again. It probably was worth it.

   A safe word, but for when you can’t listen to another boring story.

   At 40 you can’t really walk it off any more. You’re hurt now.

   My car has an interesting feature, a rotating fuel tank equipped with a sensor. So whichever side of a gas pump I pull up to, my fuel tank is on the other side of the car.

   It must be awkward when GPS tells gay people to go straight

   i think we due a bad spell of wether

   Dating is cuddling on the sofa. Marriage is sleeping on the sofa.

   If I ever find the idiot who decided that it was a brilliant idea to put un-skipable adverts in the middle of a video.