Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you had a scratch and sniff map of the world, what would your current location smell like?

   God Bless Rednecks! Merica!

   Feeling sad today…. Can everyone please send cute photos of your credit cards front and back?

   Sorry I didn’t reply for 45 days. Lol What’s up?

   My favorite part of winter is when it’s over.

   If Merry Christmas offends you, then Merry Christmas!

   Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I’m a valued customer at several grocery stores.

   Rapey McForehead gave Trump one vote for Speaker of the House. Trump called the clerk and said, "I just need you to find me 217 more votes."

   It's easier to fool people than to convince them that they have been fooled. Joe B is an example.

   94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down

   My plants got a fungus from that STD florist

   My church serves noodles at Communion. we're Ramen Catholics

   Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

   When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.

   Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.

   Bills are like hominy; better when you don't have any on your plate.

   Went for a check-up this morning, everything was normal, except the doctor began to put his glove on and add lube....... I need to get a new dentist.

   I forget real people’s names immediately after being introduced but I remember the Scooby-Doo gang’s names are Fred Jones, Shaggy Rogers, Daphne Blake, and Velma Dinkley.

   Question, Why does it have to be bacon OR sausage? Why not both.

   If it actually snows, please stay home. Y’all can’t even drive when it’s sunny. Lol