Funny Status Messages

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"

   When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?

   My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth

   A fifth of Jack will make any girl look sexy.

   Having friends sounds like a fun idea until they start trying to make plans with you.

   I just added Fabrizio Brambilla as one of my friends...According to all the messenger posts I received he is a bad dude..I felt sorry for him and felt he needed a friend

   Sorry I panicked and punched you when you invited me out for brunch.

   "Almond milk will now be known as white stuff from nuts."

   You know you should be proud of yourself when the biggest accomplishment you ever made was spreading your legs for your sugar daddy.

   *Sign outside a brothel that read "It's a business doing pleasure with you."

   I'll bet people with Tourette's make awful anatomy teachers!!

   LOL! My neighbor swears she was anally probed by an alien last night...... BTW, Anyone want a slightly used alien costume?

   Losing your wife can be difficult. I know because I've been trying to lose mine for years.

   Pretty sure Crest just makes up siht wrong with our teeth to sell more of their crap.

   Just bought a new picture frame to hang a photo in my wall that came with a stock photo of a really beutiful family that reminds me of a lot of my facebook friends, who I dont know either.

   What business makes money by driving their customers away........ A taxi.