Funny Status Messages

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.

   Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?

   I wonder if Trump will make the aliens pay for Space Force?

   Come on people now Smile on your brother Everybody get together Try to love one another Right now

   "Every month my wife turns into SUCH a monster." "Haha! You mean when she gets her period?" "Huh? No. She's a werewolf."

   I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

   No one ever tell you about the amount of heavy cleaning involved in a successful career as a serial killer.

   Guys, you'll really never know your woman untill you are married to her.

   My dentist said I needed a crown. I was like “I KNOW RIGHT??”

   I ordered a Chicken off of Amazon and an Egg off of eBay. I'll let you know.

   Hello, Acme? I'd like to order a rocket and a pair of roller skates. Oh yeah, and a sign that says "Yikes." ...No, I haven't caught him yet.

   Doing it wrong is the only thing I do right.

   I've noticed that the most attractive women always drive those cute little cars! Which reminds me...the mother-in-law's Panzer needs an oil change!!

   Losing an argument when you are right just because the other person is too stupid to understand what you are saying is the most infuriating thing in the universe.

   Women fall in love by what they hear. Men fall in love with what they see. That's why women wear makeup and men lie.