Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The thing about glitter is that once you get it on you, you can never completely wash it off. Glitter is the Herpes of craft supplies.

   If you ordered the worlds largest box from Amazon what would they ship it in?

   Forty years ago I asked this beautiful woman to marry me . . . She responded with, "GET LOST, CARL! YOU CREEP ME OUT!"

   "I'm great at spelling bees. But hopless at spelling other words."

   If someone works with a bunch of a$$holes all day. Can they add proctologist to their resume?

   It may be time to start exercising . Halfway up this flight of stairs and I'm considering setting up base camp and trying for the summit tomorrow.

   Auto Repair Price List Ping-Ping-Ping 35.00 Plunk-Ping-Plunk 50.00 Klunk-Ping-Klunk 125.00 Thud-Klunk-Thud 200.00 Clank-Thud-Clank 325.00

   My Stress Doctor said I need to find a purpose but I can't get my wife to drive me to the aquarium..

   "If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember ... *thinking ?!? " Not Twain.

   If you want me to go running with you I will need some motivation. Like a clown waving a bloody knife chasing after us.

   "Good people don't go into goverment." D.J.T.

   You know that your wife's cooking is bad when dessert is Tum's chewables.

   It's not the constant thought or fear of death that keeps me awake at night. It's usually grandma's Jalapeno flavored meatloaf!

   If meterorologist are people who studies the weather. Are people who study meteors weatherologist?

   No need to thank me for accepting your friend request. We'll both regret it soon enough.

   Her: How deep is your love? Me: 8 inches. 3 if you actually have a ruler with you.

   Ego and Super-ego walk into a bar. Bartender says "Sorry, Guys, I'm gonna need to see some ID."

   Where do I sign up for the Space Force? I've heard "not if you were the last guy on Earth" so space is still hopeful

   I'm not immauture....... I just know how to have fun.

   I find you're total lack of ambition is inspiring.