Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Rule #1 in marriage. If she not happy you won't be happy.

   Now if you will excuse me, today's bad decisions aren't going to make themselves.

   If you date both men & women and still can't get into a relationship are you technically bi-yourself?

   children today have no idea what a game-changer smart phones and internet are. When I was a kid it was almost impossible to find nude photos of the First Lady.

   My life is like when you're holding your laundry and a sock falls and you go to pick it up and two more fall and eventually everything is on the floor.

   A Prostitute new to the game was told by her pimp “No sex for the first 7 days..just wanks!” She asked.. “Why only wanks?”..her pimp said.. “Union rules!..you gotta work a week in hand!”

   Someone asked me why I hold so much anger in my heart. I said it's because I am running out of places to keep it.

   Big shout-out to slugs for doing everything a snail does but without a helmet.

   100th episode of undercover boss is on and your telling me there are still people out that aren’t suspicious of a camera crew filming them at work. Working on my sob story to tell

   Don't let Madonna speak at my funeral please...

   Whomever has my Voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks....I'm in public!

   Having a bad day?? You could be a siamese twin attached to a gay brother who has a date and your the only one with an ass!

   The reason Grilled Cheese Sandwiches and Tomato Soup are so popular is because they are the same basic ingredients as Pizza.

   What are children born in a brothel called? Brothel sprouts.

   Living alone is pretty cool, I don't even know if my bathroom door closes

   I'd rather stay home and be bored out of my mind than interact with people

   I don't "get even" or hold a grudge anymore, I take naps

   Months of outrage about school shootings but when ISIS compound is discovered training kids to do more of them,no one cared.

   Cancer isn't cancer.

   "what did he say?" "Who is she?" "What just happened?" ( Repeat 30 times and you just watched a movie with my wife.)