Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

   ATTENTION: Due to BBQ setbacks, my ripped beach body Will be postponed another year. Thank you for understanding.

   I'm not the one who spent $600 on a first class ticket for my pet rabbit. Blame my wife!!

   If the baby ain't yo color, Ya ain't the Daddy Brotha !

   Business plan : 1. hold sign that says "free hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it's $50 to let go"

   Leaving your window open for an hour in the summertime and then the cast from f*@k!?g bug's Life start producing their second film!!

   I had a protein shake for breakfast and now I communicate only by flipping tables.

   I’m “imma keep this box cuz it looks like a good box” years old.

   Take the guesswork out of romance by dying alone.

   I'm not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.

   Service so bad the waitress owes you money

   The chick at this circus just swallowed a sword and I saw a guy elbow his woman like “see?...”

   it ok to taser other people's screaming kids in the supermarket? Asking for me

   Ladies: There is a new dating service that’s packed full of the most handsome and trustworthy men. The best part is its FREE! No need to pay or sign up for a membership to access the friend zone where you left them.

   I wonder of the #MeToo movement folks realize that most people born before 1995 see the "#" sign as the "pound"

   You far-rights and far-lefts are really screwed up people. Thank God I'm in the middle.

   The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on

   Yesterday, accompanied my wife to the Louis Vuitton showroom and was shocked to find that..My salary was printed on a shoe !!

   In these days of technological advancement, it’s advisable to record all arguments with a woman so you can at a later date prove who said what. Women are very good at denying what they said.

   Alexa, play back the last 45 minutes of this argument so we can prove who said what.