Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In grade 5 during biology my teacher asked me "what is in cells?" I answered my Uncle Eric and Dad and she made me go home.

   Apparently it's inappropriate to show up at your therapist's home to swim in his new pool even though your "boundary issues" paid for it.

   Why is it that kids these days can shift their gender but cannot shift a manual transmission?

   It sucks being a grown up. Nobody tells you you did a good job when you eat all of your food.

   I am a husband. Hear me apologise for something I did in my wife's dream.

   They say it's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. After years of marriage, I find it's bad luck after the wedding as well.

   I cut the swooshes of my nike socks and sold them to my neighbours wife to use as eyebrows.

   To coup or not to coup may one day be the question.

   When your lawyer's, lawyer needs a lawyer. You know things must be bad.

   If the B in LGTB stands for Bi doesn't that mean there are only two genders?

   Sorry to announce my pet mouse 'Elvis' has just died!..he was caught in a trap!

   My Girlfriend said she's leaving in the morning because of my "Wham" obsession! I replied... "wake me up before you go go"

   For the ladies that cook bacon in a microwave you aint gone never have a man...

   POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: "So he was medium build, grey hair, grey eyes, grey tie, a grey suit and grey shoes?" DOG: "Correct"

   There's nothing to FEAR, but the book FEAR itself

   When my mother in-law said she wants to be creamated. I immediatley made her an appointment for next week.

   Bigfoot saw me yesterday but no one believes him!

   The I before E except after C rule has been disproven by science.

   I asked my friends, "Are you Ok?" and they replied, "Yes, especially if you give us half of your money."

   What I if told you, you read that first part wrong?