Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   As a driver, I hate pedestrians and as a pedestrian, I hate drivers. But no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate bicyclists.

   Shopping for antiques won't make you gay, but it will make you buy curios.

   If I've learned anything after working in I.T. for twenty five years it's that Dilbert is not a comic strip. It's a documentary.

   when a friend messages you a GIF image for your birthday, is that a birthday GIFt ?

   Saw a middle-eastern friend shaking a carpet on 6th floor balcony. I called out "what's wrong ahmed, won't it start."

   it just me, or is Tom cruise starting to look like a middle aged lesbian?

   Dear problems..plz gimme a discount..I'm your regular customer

   Nothing says “I believe in you” more than when a waiter gives you a single napkin.

   I seem to have discovered a new diet plan that appears to be really working for me that's called The Cost Of Food.

   And in other news, Buckwheat (of Little Rascals fame) has converted to Islam. His new name is Kareem of Wheat.

   The problem with women is they will assume everything but the position.

   Gas prices are so expensive...it would be cheaper to buy cocaine and run everywhere!

   You know, I have never been told not to come to a funeral, have you?

   For National Dog Day, I told my neighbor's dog to get out of my yard. It's National Dog Day, not take a dump in your neighbors yard day.

   Australia Doesn't Exist And People Who Live There Are Actors Paid By NASA.

   Every dog has it's day . . . mine has his on the first day of March at H&R Block and usually ends up with a huge tax refund!

   I don't go jogging in the morning because would just end up splashing coffee everywhere.

   I never drink because I wouldn't want to appear relaxed or approachable.

   Cop: You ran someone over. What was your motive? Me: Auto.

   Alexa, break up with my girlfriend for me. Alexa: You don’t have a girlfriend. Wow you’re fast.