Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Jehovah's witnesses don't celebrate Halloween. I guess they don't appreciate random people coming up to their doors..

   "Better to be the worst of the best, than the best of the worst."

   Everytime I see KellyAnn Conway's face, I always vomit!

   Can you tell me how to get....... How to get to craaaazzzy town..... How to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town..... how to get to crazy town.

   Trump is the best thing to ever happen to US comedians.

   Plaid shirt guy for 2020!

   I'm afraid if I start working out, I'll be too sexy.

   "54 days till Halloween Halloween Halloween, 54 days till Halloween Sliver Shamrock." Ba ha ha boo.

   If the wheels on the bus go round and round all day long. When does the bus driver get any sleep?

   Serena Williams said she'd rather lose than cheat while her coach admitted to cheating....

   So I booed you at your own wedding, can’t we just let bygones be bygones?

   Well...to be Frank, I'd have to change my name.

   My sandal invention for people with one leg turn out to be a flop.

   Eating yogurt doesn't make you cultured.

   .I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.

   I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.

   There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   "If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.