Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm pretty certain I'll never be a serial killer, since I don't have a middle name!

   Instead of testing products on animals, how about testing on people who don’t say thank you after you hold the door open for them. Just a suggestion.

   I’m, like, 3 showers and an intervention away from getting my life together.

   When I was a kid I thought I would never grow up to be the type of person to go out running every morning. And I was right.

   "I'm afraid to fly"...flies all over the world and racks up a ton of frequent flier miles lol

   I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde in my basement.

   Never play leapfrog with a unicorn. That's all.

   No one has a good time with you unless you pay them. And yes, they were laughing at you.

   Why do the Flintstones celebrate Christmas?....any scholars out there?

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   If taking cat naps at work as often as I do had anything to do with it, then I'm pretty sure I can sleep my way to the top.

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.