Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.

   I wonder if the guy who coined the term "One Hit Wonder" came up with any other phrases.

   If they criticize your driving, look them straight in the eye while you turn their airbag off.

   My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.

   [first trip on a cruise liner] CAPTAIN: welcome! only rule here is: loose lips sink ships ME: {throws Mick Jagger overboard}

   My husband knew he couldn't scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.

   ME: [bird watching] PIGEON: [looking out window] Babe he’s back.

   Me: Garçon! l'll have your finest bar of xanax and be quick with it! My pharmacist: get out

   : [zoo] cop: what happened here? boss: they attacked when he tried to inflate one of them me inside enclosure: [with final breath] babloon