Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   Real life friends? In this economy??

   The lack of hair is the main cause of baldness.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   My wife texted me a selfie and asked if her dress made her look fat, I sai Noo it was autocorrected to Moo... I need help!

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!

   What do yot get when you slip in water?............ A waterfall.

   A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

   I just saw a man with one arm go into a second hand store.

   Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Wednesday morning? might as Well call it rensday roaring!

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity!

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.