Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"

   I've been having a problem with nuisance phone calls! The most common one seems to be "You said you'd be home from the pub three hours ago!"

   Can someone NOT on welfare lend me their social insurance number so I can get a little extra income, I'll go splits with ya

   HEY, I wrote the manual on ADD…. Well, it's not actually a manual. It's only 3 sentences…. The rest is a drawing of a giant space robot eating a skyscraper made of muffins.

   I bought a bottle of Himalayan salt today. It's supposed to be two hundred and fifty million years old. I just noticed the expiration date is July, 2019. Good thing they dug it up when they did.

   Sometimes I think sharks eat people just so they can be on tv.

   So, if you are crediting a woman for something, and treating them equally, you might be a idiot 1ibera1.