Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.