Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My piano playing must be improving, as my neighbours have broken all my windows so they can hear me better!!

   Bill Cosby is in JAIL-O

   If taking cat naps at work as often as I do had anything to do with it, then I'm pretty sure I can sleep my way to the top.

   At the job interview today, they asked me why I left my last job. I said, "Well, the boss asked if he could see me in his office." I said, "Only if he got fired or was transferred."

   If you can't find your wife or GF at the mall, just start talking to the hottest girl you see and she'll appear out of nowhere.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I'd come in fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   look on the bright side...Bill Cosby is gonna get a lot of Jell-o

   Would it be legal to have a VERY loud duck-call in place of the more conventional car-horn..if it was operated in the same way?

   I took my dog for a bike ride today . . . it's a two-seater and he pedaled as well as I did.

   Carrying that fake $20,000 ass is gonna get you nowhere. Literally.

   Bill Cosby ain't gonna like the type of "pudding pops" he's gonna be gettin in prison.

   Wednesday is known as "hump day". But to my dog, everyday is hump day.

   Uranus, a town in Missouri has a news paper call The Uranus Examiner

   If I've learned anything in my 23 years on earth, it's that it's okay to lie about your age.

   Drinking rum before 10am makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic!

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!