Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.

   (To the theam song of Barney & Friends)...... I like beer..... You like beer..... Everone here liiiikes beer..... So lets all go to the bar...... And have a few ew ew beers.

   It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Every time I feel like saying something I shouldn't . I ask my self, what would the president do? Then I go head and say it.

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.

   Maybe people would be more concerned about saving the planet if chocolate and coffee were on the endangered list.

   I made my wife a Caesar salad last night! The dog was really pissed off though as it was his last tin!

   using Just For Men on your mother in laws mustache at night wrong ? Asking for a friend ..

   Whenever they show the crowd at Yankees stadium...every Yankees fan looks like an out of shape Paulie Malignaggi.

   Just got my E-Harmony results. They match me with a computer, a chair, and a bottle of lotion.

   Before I was born, I was given a choice between a big di*k, or a good memory. I don't remember what one I chose.

   My company has trouble thinking outside the box. We can't agree on the size of the box, the color of the box, whether it is wood or cardboard, a suitable box vendor or how much to budget.

   I never knew that tanning beds had a pumpkin spice setting.