Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity!

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   there are two words in life that will open many doors for you: pull and push.

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   If you receive a Friend Request from Hormel Foods, don't accept it. It might be Spam.

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas

   If I am ever investigated by the F.B.I. , I hope my investigation last as long as the Kavanaugh investigation lasted.

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.