Funny Status Messages

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   Having some memory problems? Should we call for a doctor?

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   Ice bank mice elf.. say it real fast 10X

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

   Business in the front, party in the back! Linda’s Accounting And Brothel Services.

   Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   Real life friends? In this economy??