Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you sit on the toilet at 1159pm and the clock strikes midnight, it is the same crap different day.

   You've already put up your Christmas tree? That's nothing. I'm already drunk for St. Patrick's Day.

   Note to our friends from the south ,The Canadian Word EH! has been replaced with WAH ? Stay stoned my friends .

   Whenever someone says, "I think of you as family," I always assume they're gonna start screaming at me for something that happened 20-30 years ago...

   Having a child is like having a little broke ass best friend!

   Whenever I ride on an enclosed water slide I can't help but wonder if this is what it would feel like to be flushed down the toilet

   My Bank Account probabbly thinks I am Dead 😢

   Why did Adam and Eve have the perfect marriage?..... Because neither one of them had a mother in-law.

   Don't accept any friend requests from Taco Bell.. they're nacho friends

   Having some memory problems? Should we call for a doctor?

   Using my feet to lift toilet seats or push the flush handle at public restrooms has helped hone my ninja like skills.

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   Ice bank mice elf.. say it real fast 10X

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.