Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "Wisdom doesn't come from age, wisdom comes from the things that you srewed up in your life."

   "The New York marathon was found to be a more efficient way to get around the city."

   Lyft and Uber will have you outside, looking like a prostitute. My goodness..

   Sometimes I put my car in neutral at stoplights and roll back a little so people will think I drive a manual...

   When I'm not sleepy, I listen to some Chris Brown. That knocks me out right away.

   If you're born in November, your parents probablity had a fun Valentine's day.

   Why does a flamingo lift one leg? Because if it lifted both, it would fall over.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew it’s descendant would be a pug. That’s how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Kissing is weird. At some point, multiple cultures independently came to the conclusion that wanting to lick the inside of somebody's mouth shouldn't be exclusive to dogs.

   I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.

   Do you ever look through old pictures and wonder, “Where the hell did that shirt go?”

   Today's tip of the Day: When you are arguing with an idiot, make sure the other person isn’t doing the same thing.

   Oregon Trail was the only game that made dying of dysentery hilarious.

   Did you hear about the Egyptian King that went to College and studied plumbing.. graduated a Pharaoh faucet Major.

   Do paranoid schizophrenic agnostic dyslexic insomniacs lie awake at night wondering if they might be the dog that’s out to get them?

   You can't out run the law. A Chehalis Washington judge removes robe and gave chase and captured two handcuffed prisoners that fled his court room.

   Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

   I'm always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.

   I don’t care what anyone says, I still think Malaria is a beautiful name for a little girl

   I've reached the age where I meet a person I would consider "older" and then find out they're the same age as me.