Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When you use the self-service checkout lanes at Wal-mart, you should get a discount like you do when you buy self-service gasoline.

   If laziness was an Olympic sport, I would want to come in Fourth so I wouldn't have to walk up to the podium.

   Thanks to synonyms, "Forgive me Father for I have sinned," and "Sorry Daddy, I've been naughty," both mean the same thing.

   Some recipes are like science fiction. I read to the end and think "Well, that's not going to happen."

   If one despises losers, and one is a loser. Does that loser despise them self ?

   Celebrate Thanksgiving by giving people the bird.

   Aggravation: Trying to get a vending machine to take a wrinkled dollar bill.

   it just me, or is anyone else finding it difficult to log on to dyslexics.moc?

   Disappointment is coming home to the smell of fresh bake cookies and finding out it's just a scented candel.

   I've just bought the personalized number plate baa baa. For my black jeep.

   Fellas; Someone you are unable to hang out with when you are broke is not your girlfriend. That’s a prostitute.

   Silver Lining: A 350 credit score prevents Identity theft! just saying

   "Waiter, how do you prepare your lobsters?" "Nothing special, we pretty much just tell them straight up that they are going to die."

   So after winning the game I decided to throw the ball into the crowd like they do on TV. Apparently, this is unacceptable in bowling.

   If you want to go where everybody knows your name, and they're always glad you came, then your probably a alcoholic.

   Waiter: What would you like? Me: I’ll have the Double Deep Fried McMeme Supreme with extra spicy cream.

   I've always wanted to lay naked on a bear skin rug in front of a fireplace. Unfortunately, Cracker Barrel has a policy against this.

   . Was the rainbow that appeared over capitol building a sign of approval from above that the dem won the control of the house.

   This economy has made me so poor, when I heard of the last supper, I thought I was running out of food stamps.

   My favorite part about switching back to standard time is getting to relive the last hour of my life. A real live 'do-over'