Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Girls love surprises until they get a finger in da butt...

   I love Halloween. You get free candy without having to get into anyone's van.

   Halloween is like any other day. People pretending to be someone their not.

   Show up JUST ONCE at the office wearing a grey jumpsuit and a hockey mask and they ask you to NEVER COME BACK!!!

   I totally understand how batteries feel because I'm rarely ever included in things either.

   I cut my finger today while changing the spark plugs and oil filter in my car. I guess it is possible to get blood out of a tuneup.

   Whoever coined the phrase, "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one.

   To 16:58 commet, you're right. Teacher: "How much is a gram?" Tyronne: "It denpends on what you want."

   I was Christmas shopping for a friend's daughter... I asked what she was into and he said "anything Frozen" So, I got her a bag of peas and some pizza rolls.

   Imagine the disappointment if a wolf knew its descendant would be a pug. That's how your grandpa feels when he sees your man bun.

   Baking bread basically involves creating a rich and warm environment for a species to thrive and then initiating a mass extinction event.

   I'm very happy that I'm not a vegan, that would have been a big miss steak

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   I bet kangaroos get tired of holding all of their friend's keys and phones while they're at the beach?

   It’s so funny to wake up each day and see ppl in their 20s, 30s,40s, acting like two year olds. Go back to your safe place because there’s 6 more years to go

   You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn't come back, all you've lost is a regular pigeon.

   There's a further south than South America?

   What I learned in high school: Don't dump Gatorade on your coach's head, especially if you lost the game.

   One thing to say to the 93 year old lady who won the lottery, "Hey, How ya doin?"

   Start each day with a smile and get it over with.