Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The National Animal Research Center just completed a Study as to why squirrels run under cars..Turns out they are the Married ones...

   Play boy no longer have nude models...... What is this world coming to.

   Burger King is changing their name to Pancake King.

   I hate people who take drugs. Customs agents, for example.

   Past, Present and Future walked into a bar. It was a tense situation.

   There’s actually a thing called “Play Dates “ in 2018. In 1984 we called that “Going outside to play”

   The kid next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard ..... time to go mow my gravel driveway.

   You know why it's called almond milk? Cuz you can't say nut juice with a straight face

   I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said "Never mind."

   Just swallowed a probiotic with a vodka tonic in case anyone is looking for a health coach.

   The North Korean President is just meeting with the US President..He suddenly stood up and said . I Don't need this Crap.. .I'm going to the bathroom for a Trump...

   A homeless man asked for money today and instead I gave him my thoughts and prayers. We had a good laugh until he gave me a concussion.

   Most kid's grandpas pulled a quarter from their ear . . . mine put a quarter in, twisted my nose, and bubblegum rolled out!!!

   "Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche." -Rejected Shakespeare line.

   Nothing lightens up the G7 Summit like a little low-brow humor.

   Breaking news: Justify declines invitation to the White House.

   Walmart won't sell guns to anyone under 21. So if you're 21 or older and angry..... Come on down.

   Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.

   Yes I like to party. And by party I mean take naps.

   Say what you will about Trump, he sure is loyal to the country that elected him (Russia).