Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You know you're getting old when kids table now contains alcohol.

   Going to Starbucks right now,anybody need anything?

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   Knock! Knock! Who’s there? A broken pencil. A broken pencil who? Never mind, it’s pointless.

   I don't know what I ever signed up for facebook, I mean like seriously, this dating website sucks!

   I have no problem with the Kardashians. I have a problem with the people who care about them.

   I've never gotten in or out of a hammock with my dignity intact.

   I like you, but not see you every damn day like you.

   Not trying to brag but I haven’t been around people in days

   Happy birthday J.F.K. 5/29/1917

   I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   If football games begin with a kick-off, why don't hockey games begin with a puck-off?

   I saw two guys wearing matching outfits. I asked if they were g@y? They arrested me.

   I thought about having sex today and then I remembered that I’m married.

   "Hey, Baby. Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven?" "Sir, step away from the body. She fell from a balcony and this is a crime scene."

   The Stanley Cup finals will feature a team that represents a morally bankrupt city, that is built on corruption, greed and deceit, against the Las Vegas Golden Knights.

   You know who is a good problem solver? Vanilla Ice. I think it's because he collaborates and listens.

   Cheating your wife doesn't mean that you don't love her...it's like hiring a taxi when you have your own car at home...it saves tires and longer lasting beauty and reduces mileage...Send this to your wife and let me know which hospital you are in..

   Things to do.. #1 dig a hole #2 name it love #3 watch people fall in love

   Looks like the witch hunt is catching a lot of witches.