sean Funny Status Messages

   If something rolls off of my plate... I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.

   My wife started clipping coupons to help save us money. She keeps them in her 800.00 purse....

   The best thing about fighting someone in a Denny's parking lot is win or lose you can go in and have some waffles afterwards.

   The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain't good.

   One thing parenting has taught me- telling a kid they're tired is like telling a drunk person they're drunk. Anger and denial follows

   If you don't do stupid things while you're young, you won't have anything to smile and talk about when you're old

   maybe congress should hire Nik Wallenda to balance the budget...

   well how long before we see KC Royals World Series shirts on the news during an ebola segment in Africa. ...

   When I was younger my dad showed me pictures of the importance of safe sex. The funny thing is, they were all pictures of me.

   Most guys propose with a diamond but if you're really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.

   I bet you guys can't guess what the Titanic's least favorite kind of lettuce is

   Friend told me that on her strict new diet, she eats each meal naked in front of a mirror. I said would you like to come over for dinner?

   If I was a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.

   Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.

   I wonder if those guys who ordered that white boy to play funky music until he died ever got arrested.

   Instead of cleaning my house I just watch an episode of hoarders and think " Wow my house looks great"

   I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.

   I want my tombstone to just say "You should see the other guy" on it

   Theme parks can snap a clear picture of you on a rollercoaster at 70mph, but bank cameras can't get a clear shot of a robber standing still.

   Hackers leak rare photos of Vanessa Hudgens and Miley Cyrus wearing clothing.