jake Funny Status Messages

   I never knew I had so many aunts and uncles untill my parents separated.

   What's worse, women who want you to figure what's bothering them? Or the ones who tell you?

   I finally reached the age where happy hour is taking a nap.

   Guys don't appreciate being single untill they been married for awhile.

   Kids don't remember the things you tell them untill it's something you shouldn't of said.

   Why is Peter Pan always flying? Because he neverlands.

   The only president who didn't blame the previous administration for all his troubles was George Washington.

   Not saying that women walmart shoppers have bad teeth. But when the woman in line in front of me smiled. The barcode scanner rang up a set of sauce pans.

   Can of Crisco $3.95 Body pillow $12.95 Box of condoms $9.95 Look on cashier's face...... Priceless.

   How are condoms and cameras a like? They both capture that magical moment.

   They say if the palm of your hand itches, you're going to get something. And if your crouch itches, you've already got it.

   Went to a trendy night club. Doorman: "Sorry you can't come in you've had to many." Me: "I haven't been drinking." Doorman: "No not to many drinks........ To many Birthdays."

   . There's a book on The Cures for aches and pains by Dr. Artur Ritis

   Dear hefty girl Walmart shopper. It may feel like summer, but your shirt and shorts are way to small. You look like a half open can of biscuits.

   I like to stop the microwave with one second to go. It makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.

   I pick up a copy of the new book The Long Walk Home by Miss. D. Bus.

   You know you must be unappealing when a nymphomaniac just wants to be friends.

   Sometimes I watch football holding an X-Box controller just to confuse people.

   My inflatable girlfriend takes my breath away.

   Dentist: I'm going to give you some helium gas. Me: Will that stop me from feeling any pain? Dentist: No...... But when you screem, it will be hilarious.