Funny Status Messages

   Sure hope this episode of “Celebrity President” ends soon.

   The best way to open a Capri Sun is with a bullet.

   Marriage tip #39 your wife won't start an argument with you if you're cleaning

   Someone on my fb just posted they had just backed synonym buns. I replied, you mean the ones grammar use to make? Now I'm blocked

   I always confuse actresses Meryl Streep and Glenn Close. They both look like men but only one has the appropriate first name.

   Quick! While the Government is shut down, let's create a new one.

   You can never go wrong with medieval technology.

   "Alexa, Get me a divorce."

   Since he likes to shut things down, why doesn't he shutdown the shutdown ?

   I bought a screwdriver bit for my electric drill. It's useful for converting ordinary phillips screws into non-removable screws.

   I just cleaned up my friends list. So if you could see this post it means you've made the cut because you're special! Or my worst enemy I just want to keep an eye on.

   I just blocked someone on Facebook for correcting my grammar and it feelted good.

   Just build the wall on the Mexican side and call it foreign aid.

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   Would anyone go to a zoo that didn't have walls or fences?

   Whats the cheapest way to build a wall? Asking for my President......

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

   taking away a Trans-gender bathroom that critical to people?

   My least favorite color was pink, now it's orange.

   Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.