Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They're bringing back the federal government for a limited time, like it's the McRib.

   I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now

   Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount

   If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?

   My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."

   Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.

   I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.

   I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.

   I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".

   am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming

   If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.

   We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January

   I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?

   Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!

   In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.

   The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."

   Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.

   Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)

   I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.

   99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.