Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 685 of 6452

I can’t believe I thought this VHS porn collection would be worth a lot of money by now
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01-29-2019 02:33
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Butter pecan ice cream taste like a senior citizen discount
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01-28-2019 23:44
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If a tree....I mean If didn't brag about my activities on Facebook did they really happen?
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01-28-2019 20:20
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My boss just appointed me as his sex adviser. He said " When I want your fu*king advice, I'll ask for it."
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01-28-2019 18:20 by Joker
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Breast are proof that men can concentrate on two things at the same time.
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01-28-2019 18:15 by Joker
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I just got a new smartphone with a app installed on it that tells you which of your friends spend to much time starring at their phones who are in need a social life that's called facebook.
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01-28-2019 15:55 by Whoever
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I wish there were private counselors who would meet you at a chipotle and let you pour your heart out while you stuff your face.
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01-28-2019 14:36 by HotTea
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I hate people who are too stubborn to let things go just because they don't want to be told "I told you so".
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01-28-2019 13:45
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am I watching The Weather Channel or Game of Thrones? it looks like winter is coming
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01-28-2019 08:04 by Eddy
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If you add coconut oil to sauté'd kale it will make it easier to scrape it into the trash so you can fry bacon.
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01-28-2019 06:48
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We are 3 months into 2019 and it's still January
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01-28-2019 05:52 by Mas
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I don't understand people who take a hundred selfies and then pick the best one to post. I mean how do they roll in real life if they look like the other 99?
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01-27-2019 21:36 by Moon
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Eye Doctor: Sir, you're color blind. Me: Wow, that came out of the gray!
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01-27-2019 18:03
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In sept 1945 I wish "he" was shot into space instead of his mother being impregnated with him.
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01-27-2019 14:07
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The cashier asked if I'd like my milk in a bag to whom I replied "No thanks, I think it would be easier to carry home in the container."
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01-27-2019 13:42 by Moon
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Politicians are like diapers. They need to be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
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01-27-2019 13:28 by Joker
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Ask a meteorologist who will win the Superbowl......then go with the other team ;-)
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01-27-2019 11:03 by Jsabbage
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I accidentally walked into the women's room at the gym today, then I bought a tampon from the machine so it wouldn't be awkward.
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01-27-2019 08:13
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99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer. After Brett Kavanaugh walks in the room, there's no more bottles of beer on the wall.
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01-27-2019 03:16
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Why do we cook bacon and bake cookies?
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01-26-2019 23:36
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