Funny Status Messages and Tweets

Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.

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   messageicon I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!
←Rate | 01-05-2019 08:27 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
←Rate | 01-05-2019 08:09 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."
←Rate | 01-05-2019 07:05 Comments (0)  


   messageicon OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
←Rate | 01-05-2019 06:55 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"
←Rate | 01-05-2019 06:32 Comments (0)  


   messageicon They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 21:25 by Joker Comments (2)  


   messageicon It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 15:48 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 15:09 by Joker Comments (0)  


   messageicon Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 14:25 by Joker Comments (0)  


   messageicon I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 14:03 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 13:59 by Bob Comments (0)  


   messageicon Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 12:36 Comments (0)  


   messageicon Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 12:06 Comments (0)  


   messageicon I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 09:31 Comments (1)  


   messageicon I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
←Rate | 01-04-2019 09:17 Comments (0)  


   messageicon they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me
←Rate | 01-03-2019 21:33 by luka Comments (0)  


   messageicon I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?
←Rate | 01-03-2019 09:37 by Moon Comments (0)  


   messageicon I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 03:20 by Joker Comments (1)  


   messageicon A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 02:56 by Joker Comments (1)  


   messageicon If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
←Rate | 01-03-2019 02:54 by Joker Comments (2)  




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