Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 685 of 6446

I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!
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01-05-2019 08:27 by Bob
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.
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01-05-2019 08:09 by Bob
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I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."
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01-05-2019 07:05
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OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
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01-05-2019 06:55 by Bob
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Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"
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01-05-2019 06:32
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They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.
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01-04-2019 21:25 by Joker
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It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.
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01-04-2019 15:48 by Bob
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The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.
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01-04-2019 15:09 by Joker
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Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.
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01-04-2019 14:25 by Joker
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I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.
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01-04-2019 14:03 by Bob
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If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.
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01-04-2019 13:59 by Bob
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Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.
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01-04-2019 12:36
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Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.
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01-04-2019 12:06
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I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.
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01-04-2019 09:31
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I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.
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01-04-2019 09:17
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they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me
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01-03-2019 21:33 by luka
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I wonder what facebook employees do to kill time at work?
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01-03-2019 09:37 by Moon
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I may need a helping hand with my New Year's resolution in giving up masterbating.
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01-03-2019 03:20 by Joker
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A good husband remembers his wife's birthday, but not her age.
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01-03-2019 02:56 by Joker
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If a man talks dirty to a woman, it's sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $3.50 a minute.
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01-03-2019 02:54 by Joker
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