Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.

   I came home one day all proud as can be with my report card, I said to my mom, look I got a B in Reading, she said to me that's a D you moron!

   As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you can't always trust Google Maps.

   I am so sick of these double standards. Burn a body at a mortuary and you're doing your job. Do it at home and you are "destroying evidence."

   OMG.... I hate waiting in lines... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.

   Why do people feel safe under blankets? It's not like the Killer is going to think "I'm going to kil... ahh damn it, he's under the blanket!"

   They say one in a group of ten men is a ferry. So I think it's my buddy Steve in my group of friends..... He's really cute.

   It's really cold out there folks. If you're heading out to Walmart, please wear two pairs of pajamas.

   The best way to smuggle drugs across the border is to place them up a dogs butt. That way when the drug sniffing dog investigates, the officer will think that the dog is just being friendly.

   Went for a check up, everything was normal, except the doctor stuck is finger up my butt...... I need to get a new dentist.

   I was walking on the beach yesterday when I noticed this guy in the ocean splashing around and yelling " shark, help, shark!!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

   If anyone is interested, I'll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 5 p.m. until security escorts me out the door.

   Ladies being mistaken for a hooker is same as us straight guys getting hit on by gay guys.

   Last night my wife came to me wearing a sexy policewoman costume and said "You're charged with being good in bed." But after about two minutes the charges were dropped due to lack of hard evidence. FML.

   I downloaded a song illegally in Jamaica. Now I'm a Pirate of the Caribbean.

   I need something like an Epi-Pen, but with caffeine.

   they say you should never tell a joke about blind people, oh yeah? watch me