Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Having a non stick pan with a sticker stuck on it saying non stick pan is one of the reasons I don’t think humans deserve control over earth

   Would anyone go to a zoo that didn't have walls or fences?

   Whats the cheapest way to build a wall? Asking for my President......

   You can tell the sex of an ant by tossing it in some water. If it sinks, it' a girl ant. If it floats, it's buoyant.

   taking away a Trans-gender bathroom that critical to people?

   My least favorite color was pink, now it's orange.

   Haven't looked at Facebook in a while and have been doing things I don't normally do while looking at it like reading books, verbally talking to friends, noticing my surroundings and showering.

   I'm very curious to see how many people still believe Trump when Trump said that past presidents told him that they wanted to build a wall, when the past four living presidents publicly announced that they never said no such thing to him.

   If you can laugh at yourself you can save others a lot of trouble.

   The worst part about watching movies at the cinemas is not knowing how much time you have left until the end of the movie.

   Show me a man who calls himself a vegan and I'll show you a man who's trying to sleep with a vegan!

   OK. What genius decided to call them Bridesmaids and not Insane Gown Posse?

   The cemeteery has raised its burial cost. They're blaming the cost of living.

   It's R Kelly weather out there today!!! By that I mean it's in the teens..

   In an another universe there's a mosquito taking a pic of you asleep and has just captioned it as "Diner is served" on social media.

   After the 7th day of January. Please keep your "Happy New Year" messages to yourself. We probably, have already cried, been depressed, been angry at someone, eaten leftover food more than once and paid an unexpected bill. It's no longer new or happy.

   The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good

   If some of you people are giving up booze for January, but still want those lovely pubs to be there when you get back, some of us real heroes are just going to have to buckle down and do your drinking for you. Don’t thank me. It’s what I do.

   In my future defense, I was not running from the cops, I was running from the cameras

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra size.