Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   *breaks a sweat* Sweatshop Owner: You’re gonna have to pay for that

   Do you think they still give out chips in Gambler's Anonymous?

   A massage is just professional petting for humans.

   Oh where oh where can the server be? .... Oh where oh where can it be?..... trump wants the server and he wants it now.... Oh where oh where can it be?

   Rest areas are weird.... The guy in the stall next to me has four feet.

   "The summit meeting went so well that putin is thinking of letting trump be president for another four years."

   "You tube's How to use a fire extinguisher shouldn't have a advert before it.

   George W said he spoke with Osama, and Osama said he didn't do it.

   I'm attending the next Trump rally because I love puppet shows.

   Appearing on several episodes of Cops doesn't make you a TV star.

   The two things a wife can do to make her husband happy. Pack her bags and leave.

   I get carried away sometimes… Usually because I refuse to leave.

   Every time I get a kiss, I end up smelling like pepper spray....

   "Why is it that a insecure person(d.j.t.) needs to express their accomplishments that they never accomplished.

   Now that FIFA is over, it's time to get back to your own goals!

   I love that "take out" means food, dating, and murder.

   Some days I survive, other days I don't. It's no big deal either way.

   If you put root beer in a square cup, do you get beer? You smart people just grinned; didn't you?

   They say two heads are better than one. Untill it's their baby.

   Sacha Baron Cohen's TV show, Who Is America?, is the greatest!