Funny Status Messages

   Strippers always say they’re just trying to feed their kids, but get super pissed when you throw cans of green beans & KFC coupons at them.

   When I was a kid we use to have wonder at times who are real friends were, but nowadays all you have to do is delate your facebook account and see who calls.

   For Sale. Slightly used Christmas tree. Price negotiable. Can pick up in front of neighbor's house.

   At my age, safe sex means only sleeping with women who know CPR.

   An orgy but it’s just me eating 5 different bags of chips at once.

   Gave up alcohol and coffee the past 2 weeks and was rewarded with a cold. So much for healthy choices 👎🏻

   sure your baby is cute and all but what does it do?

   If you didn't participate in the 10 year challenge. Then you have a PhD in maturity

   "you da bomb" - " No you da bomb" In America - a compliment. In the middle East - an argument.

   So if no one posted pictures of the lunar eclipse for friends who don't look up from their phones did it really happen?

   I'm pretty sure the hotel receptionist was checking me out!

   Silence is golden. Unless you have teenagers. Then it becomes suspicious.

   When I'm grilling a stake, the smell of the juices makes my mouth water. Wonder if that happens when a vegan mows their lawn.

   Thought I saw your name on a loaf of bread today, then realized it said "THICK CUT"

   OK. What genius decided to call it Erectile Dysfunction and not Ballzheimer's?

   I guess border wall funding wasn't a priority when we had a working gov't and a Rep Congress the last 2 years...

   Here's an idea. How about if every person who doesn't want a wall will have to pay a fine? Sort of like Obamacare.

   My new coffee mug now says "Don't even talk to me until I've had my paycheck".

   Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

   If there are no snacks, don’t even bother inviting me to your orgy.