Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm back when penny candy was a penny years old.

   I was waiting for a call last night so I put my phone under my pillow, woke up this morning - phone was gone and $1 was in its place...damn tooth fairy....

   I survived the polar vortex like some kind of post apocalyptic warrior.

   I like to play this game called nap roulette...It's where I take a nap but don't set an alarm. Will it be a 30 min nap? Will it be a 4 hour nap? Will I wake up tomorrow? Nobody knows. But it's risky. And I like it

   I cant make it into work because I overslept because I didn't set my alarm because I knew I would like going to work.

   Because of Shania Twain I haven't been impressed much since 1997.

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   it just me, or does anybody else start singing The Clash when you see the "Lock the taskbar" command on your desktop?

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   I can't go to work today. The "wardrobe malfunction" happened 15 years ago today. It was very offensive.

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.

   If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.

   It's "let me fish it out of 5 layers of clothes just so I can pee" degrees out..

   Technology has improved men's sex lives over the last 20 years! The pages of Porn-tube don't get stuck together!