Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The downside of fame! I can't walk out of a nice restaurant without immediately being harassed and hounded by a waiter waving a bill?

   It seems only yesterday, my dear old mum telling me to wash my food before eating it! A lovely woman, but terrible sandwiches!

   I like to plan ahead so I bought the Hubby his Valentine's Day candy early and hiding it. In other words, I just bought me some candy.

   it just me, or does anybody else start singing The Clash when you see the "Lock the taskbar" command on your desktop?

   People cheating on their taxes disgust me. This is not the world I want to raise my 23 dependents in...

   If your single and starting to feel a little blue about the coming Valentines day to make you feel better just remember that Saint Valentine was imprisoned then beaten to death with a club and candy and cakes will be 50% off the day after 😊

   some days you're the statue, some days you're the pigeon

   Coldest winter weather in recorded history. In two short years the President has fixed global warming.

   I can't go to work today. The "wardrobe malfunction" happened 15 years ago today. It was very offensive.

   Just once in my life I'd love to make just the perfect amount of spaghetti for myself. Anyways, if you're hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   It's okay when to criticise someone when they try and force their beliefs on others and even go as far as trying to make their beliefs part of constitution and government policy.

   If you rely on the news to tell you it’s cold and to put a jacket on than I feel sorry for you.

   It's "let me fish it out of 5 layers of clothes just so I can pee" degrees out..

   Technology has improved men's sex lives over the last 20 years! The pages of Porn-tube don't get stuck together!

   This NFL Experience is so real they even have a back room full of white girls & cocaine

   Staying alone is cool and all but the only problem is that it's always your turn to do the dishes.

   After much consideration I've decided not to host the Grammys this year.

   The reason that a grilled cheese sandwich and tomato soup make such a great combination is because they the same basic ingredients as pizza.

   I wonder whatever happened to Rick Astley? He said he was never going give us up but he seems to have let us down. I'm hurt.

   Popeyes finally added a drink to their $5 meal. Somebody up in corporate finally choked on a biscuit.