Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm hoping the next big Trend will be modesty.

   You know you love your wife if you've ever written a hush money check to a porn star on Valentine's day.

   Every time I see one those signs handing on a telephone pole saying "Work From Home! Make Great Money! It's Easy! Call 1800 yada yada yada I can't help but think, if it's so easy why's someone out there working so hard hanging signs?

   I don't know what I'd do without facebook. But I'm sure it would be something more productive.

   Don't be jealous that I've been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I'm training to be a cage fighter.

   Just because school isn't for you, doesn't mean rapping is.

   Tweeting is not a valid defense, it's like having your getaway driver testify he never saw you rob the bank.

   Only resort to violence if necessary like if a coworker says "another day in paradise".

   "No, I just carry it around to look cool" was my reply after being asked "Do you play?" in regards to the guitar on my back.

   I have no problem giving credit when credit is due. But giving payment when payment is due is an entirely different thing.

   I had an English professor once who told me to avoid the use of clichés in my writing. I said "Hey, you're preaching to the choir. This ain't my first rodeo and I avoid clichés like the plague. Now if you'll excuse me, I have bigger fish to fry."

   Me: I wish for my dog to live as long as me! Genie: Your wish is granted. You will now die in ten years. Me: Awesome! Way better than what I originally meant.

   When science realized they mistakenly agreed to take my body they offered to pay my cryogenics bill indefinitely.

   Wal-mart Assistant Manager: You can use the Self-Checkout if you want. Me: No thanks, I don't work here.

   I went on a cycling holiday last year, and it was exhausting! If I do it again I think I'm going for a smaller caravan!

   My trust issues first started when my mom said "Come here, I'm not gonna hit you"...

   Ask your doctor if being a doctor is right for him. Everything isn't about you.

   The cost of living has gotten so high that my wife began having sex with me again so she wouldn't have to buy batteries.

   At my age, I still do dumb stuff, but only slower.

   Chicago can solve its murder problem by having longer winters.