Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 677 of 6382
Amendment to the 2nd. The right of the people to keep and bear plastic straws shall not be infringed. You can’t shoot paper through paper.
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07-30-2018 18:32 by JerryW
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Sorry for squirting in your face... Says no female ever.
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07-30-2018 15:23
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Can my plus one to a wedding be a dog?
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07-30-2018 15:20
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Magic Johnson wasted the world's best porn name on a basketball career
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07-30-2018 15:15
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Quit hating people because of race, religion, sex, or sexual orientation! Join me in hating people just because they are people!
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07-30-2018 14:52
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Who ever stole my antidepressants, I hope you're happy.
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07-30-2018 14:49 by Jake
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I'm not saying my wife is overweight or eats to much, but I had too put an engery saving lightbulb in the fridge.
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07-30-2018 13:53 by Jake
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That Roy Moore skit on Who Is America is still making me laugh.
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07-30-2018 11:56
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I love you more then a click of your like buttons.
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07-30-2018 10:46
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Dear Maytag: Why don't your dryers have a Fold cycle? It's 2018 for chrissake!
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07-30-2018 09:39
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You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
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07-30-2018 08:53
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You always hear the wife complain about their husband leaving the toilet seat up. But you'll never hear the husband complain about the wife leaving the toilet seat down.
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07-30-2018 03:29 by Jake
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What does verizon and a port a pot co. have in common. They both give sh*tty service.
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07-29-2018 20:46
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I might get a job cleaning mirrors,its a job I can see myself doing.
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07-29-2018 20:45
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Me: I think I'm having a heart attack. Her: Give me your phone code so I can call 911. Me: Never mind, I'm feeling better...
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07-29-2018 18:14
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The coffee's not cutting it this morning. So please help me activate those "Feel Good" dopamine chemicals in my brain by liking this status. Thanks!
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07-29-2018 12:24
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Wives are like newspapers. They have a new issue every day
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07-29-2018 06:08 by Jake
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If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
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07-28-2018 23:12
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Life is just one, giant, wrong hole.
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07-28-2018 13:40
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I'm at that delicate stage in a relationship where my bf is trying to untie the ropes to call the police.
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07-28-2018 13:23
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