Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   Why do people get angry when you say F you, or give them the finger ? But not when you say srrew you or up yours ? Don't they all mean the same thing ?

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   Prison guards and security are just a waste of money. All prisons only needs walls.

   How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".

   Just heard a milli vanilli on the radio and I'm not afraid to say that I liked their music! or whoevers music it was they were lip sinking that is to say.

   Y’all really spending $300 for hotels rooms on Valentine’s Day to do the same 3 position y’all do at home?

   When people on Facebook ask a stupid question, and then say "Go!"...that's usually what I do...I GO!...Ain't none of us got time to stick around and answer your rhetorical questions..it's probaby time for you to get a companion pet.

   A 30 second super bowl ad cost 5 million dollars. Trump said that's crazy, 30 seconds only cost me 130 thousand.

   Why the hell is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time!

   I just want a man to rub my butt without trying to shove something in it.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.

   Was nice to see the Rams and Patriots make it to the Maroon 5 concert last night..

   I don't know about you, I could have done without Adam's wardrobe malfunction...

   Super bowl sunday is now also known as Janet Jackson appreciation day.

   Ladies in Atlanta this weekend, every big dude is not an NFL player, don't get knocked up by the cook from Waffle House