Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I reserve anal sex for special occasions. First dates for example.

   If God had meant for us to be naked, we would have been born that way. Oh, wait…

   I'm a proud member of the Exaggerators Club. Membership 1,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 and growing.

   You never hear anyone singing, wishing they can all be Alabama girls.

   what did the California politician say to the restaurant manager ? this is the last straw

   Why is it that Tampax advertisements always shows women ice skating, dancing or playing tennis. The only activity my wife partakes in at that time of the month is biting my head off.

   To make perfect chilli only use 239 beans. If you add one more it willbe too farty.

   Cat: Hey. Me: Hey cat. Cat: What are you doing? Me: Smoking a joint, I think I'm stone. Cat: Ya think?

   Axe came out with 2 new body sprays. I'm having a hard time deciding between "My mom is picking me up at 8:30" and "Can I touch your bra"

   I need ID to buy a case of coke now. Interesting....

   The British Navy was able to defeat the Spanish Armada because they knew how to get more miles to the Galleon.

   I got an email from Google Earth saying it can read maps backwards, but then I thought... That's just spam.

   I think maybe I will open a gym for fat English people and call it Downton Flabby.

   I believe in Karma, so if there is a child sitting in the seat in front of me on an airplane, I kick the back of his seat for the whole trip.

   A three-legged dog walks into an Old West saloon and says "I'm lookin' for the man who shot my Paw!"

   When she told you it was her first time, but then she hit you with the vacuum seal, double hand twist, gawk, gawk combo 3000.

   My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs. I've been his customer for 5 years. I had no idea he was a barber.

   CEO: Sorry but we're closing the plant and moving to Mexico Me: *looks up from phone 3 months later* Where the hell is everybody?

   My heckling of Jeopardy contestants has become too aggressive.

   I’m suffering complications following my birth