Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People say “the early bird gets the worm.” But everyone freaks out when I drink tequila at 8am

   I smile at dogs more than I smile at people.

   Career advice for young people: be born to filthy rich parents.

   How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.

   They shouldn't have named it a baggage carousel if they didn't want me to ride it.

   You can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can't flick your friends out the car window

   "Can I get a coke please?" "Nope is pepsi ok" "Do you do updog?" "What's updog?" " Not much...and no pepsi is not ok".

   I would rather trust a billionaire who becomes a politician than a politician who becomes a billionaire.

   With his short term memory he may not remember colluding with putin

   We need to start thinking about the world we'll leave behind for Betty White when we're all gone.

   Do you even know what the word "impeach" means? Hint: It does NOT mean getting kicked out of office.

   Honesty is the best policy but it makes for a lousy defense in court.

   Anyone not doing anything except looking at Facebook, or not doing anything because you're looking at Facebook, want to hang out?

   Breasts are like model trains. They were originally meant for children but fathers always want to play with them.

   People who confuse the word "burro" and "burrow" don't know their ass from a hole in the ground.

   Gave This Homeless Man $5 And Told Him Not 2 Buy Drugs With It and This dude Got The Nerve To Say "Don't Tell Me What To Do With My Money

   Everytime I lose a sock I gain a Tupperware lid.

   Ain't no sunshine when she's gone. Ain't no psychotic meltdowns, either...

   Chloroform is my favorite essential oil.

   After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.