Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   After owning my phone for almost a year I finally figured out how to make the fonts bigger, which will make walking easier.

   What's on my mind is what do I need to do today besides waste time looking at Facebook?

   Calling for compromise, but only if it's on your own terms. How is that compromise?

   For a ski team, these guys in the 7-11 sure have a lot of guns!

   I called the cops on my own Super Bowl party so everyone would leave.

   The best part of Valentine's day, is the next days 50% off sale on the box chocolate candy.

   Roses are red, violets are blue. If he's busy on Valentine's day, then the side chick is you.

   I wish having a friend with benefits meant I had a friend who'd be willing to marry me so I wouldn't have to keep paying dearly for my own insurance.

   Why do people get angry when you say F you, or give them the finger ? But not when you say srrew you or up yours ? Don't they all mean the same thing ?

   The penalty for bigamy is having two mother in-laws.

   Prison guards and security are just a waste of money. All prisons only needs walls.

   How embarrassing. First day of Chinese New Year, and I just wrote "Dog" on a check instead of "Pig".

   Just heard a milli vanilli on the radio and I'm not afraid to say that I liked their music! or whoevers music it was they were lip sinking that is to say.

   Y’all really spending $300 for hotels rooms on Valentine’s Day to do the same 3 position y’all do at home?

   When people on Facebook ask a stupid question, and then say "Go!"...that's usually what I do...I GO!...Ain't none of us got time to stick around and answer your rhetorical questions..it's probaby time for you to get a companion pet.

   A 30 second super bowl ad cost 5 million dollars. Trump said that's crazy, 30 seconds only cost me 130 thousand.

   Why the hell is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time!

   I just want a man to rub my butt without trying to shove something in it.

   If a Fire-Fighter's career can go up in smoke, and a plumber's career can go down the drain, can a hooker get laid off?

   Anyone here with one leg? I have a ton of socks you can have.