Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Kentucky man catches 20lb goldfish. Bet that willbe hard to flush down the toilet.

   I think I am going to declare a Family Emergency and appropriate funds from other parts of our family budget and use them to buy beer.

   The pet shop owner told me the bird cage wasn't made out of nickel. I guess that makes it a Nickeless Cage.

   There's something just really wrong about 2 for the price of 1 Valinetimes day cards that say "Nobody makes me smile like you do" :(

   Cupid is the perfect symbol for Valentine's Day. Because nothing fills me with love more than a fat baby firing arrows at my butt.

   St Peter: "so..how did you die?" Me: "I was sat on a beanbag and the house caught fire"

   insider trading tip...tomorrow's Energizer & Duracell stocks go down some

   If he say he is busy on valentines day, you're the other woman.

   Vegan: Pigs are one of the smartest animals, how can you eat them? Me: 2 out of 3 of them build their houses out of $hit materials...

   She said she loves me but her PMS just showed up today

   Amazon just broke up with New York... on Valentine's Day...

   Being a sports store without Nike is like being a gas station without gas.

   Reese with her spoon is always ready for cereal.

   People who don’t know the difference between your and you’re need to get there grammer act together.

   happy vALONEtine's day to the single people

   Roses are Red, They go in a Bucket, They cost 60 dollars So you'd better...

   Shall I compare thee to a Summer's Eve? For thou art a Douche.

   Happy Alentine's Ay for those of you not getting the V or the D today!

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I need a valentine, how about you?

   Back in the day, kids drank and smoked pot behind their parents back, now they get vaccinated...