Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 671 of 6453

Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
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03-13-2019 01:55
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I'm a porn again Christian.
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03-13-2019 00:23
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The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark
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03-12-2019 19:47
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I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned
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03-12-2019 16:18 by Sharp
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When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.
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03-12-2019 16:04
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Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.
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03-12-2019 12:08
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If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.
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03-12-2019 11:45
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I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.
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03-12-2019 01:57 by Moon
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I met MicroSoft owner Bill Windows.
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03-11-2019 22:33
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The first thing I notice on a girl are her eyes. Unless she's not looking, then it's her tiits...
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03-11-2019 20:34
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Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.
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03-11-2019 18:30
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I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....
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03-10-2019 17:12 by Sharp
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I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.

Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly
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03-10-2019 12:47
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I changed all my clocks but I forgot to change my watch. So now I can't find it, because it's like, in the past, man.
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03-10-2019 12:36
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I still remember the time when I was working at a zoo and my boss fired me simply because I left the lion's gate unlocked, I mean who can steal a lion.

You'll install an anti virus on your computer but not on your kids?

I shaved and now I can fit into my smaller jeans.
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03-10-2019 09:28
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My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch... And then eat seven dinners.
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03-10-2019 09:28
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It turns out that you can only spray so many people down with Febreze before they fire you as a Wal Mart greeter.
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03-10-2019 09:27
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