Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If it wasn't intended for you to have a midnight snack. There would not be a light in the fridge.

   A weasel walks in a bar. Bartender says what ya have? Pop goes the weasel.

   I'm so old I can remember when ripped jeans meant you'd been attacked by a bear. Those were the days.

   Imagine playing dead & you hear “shoot everybody again”

   The south side of Chicago needs a wildfire...

   I've always been a hypochondriac. As a little boy, I'd eat my M&M's one by one with a glass of water.

   I can't believe California hasn't figured out that all they have to do is ban wildfires

   If on that certaint night in December 1945. Mary Anne said not tonight Fred, I have a headache. We all would be better off today.

   Have you ever been driving and you look at your phone and the battery is at 5% and for some reason you think your almost out of fuel?..... Me neither 🙄

   To the someone who does not know the words to the national anthem. You should not be criticising the NFL players who take a knee.

   If we have trillions of dollars to spend on Space Force, should not we be using that money for our wall?

   As I gaze out of my window as I have so many times before, sipping my morning coffee, I feel so at peace knowing that I got the last of the creamer.

   Teach your children and you won't have to raise your grandchildren.

   Don't make this weird, that's my job.

   A man agreeing with a woman doesn't mean he agrees with her. It's just away to shut her up.

   Humans share 70% of our DNA with zebrafish. So when you're having difficulty getting anything done, it's usually because a zebrafish is using the DNA.

   My wife makes me wear Crocs to mark her territory.

   They say you shouldn't say anything if you can't say anything nice and that's why I haven't spoken to anyone since 1997.

   Got drunk last night and joined the Space Force.

   [at a funeral] What happens to his leftover meds?