Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My kids are growing up and I guess that means I'm getting older...that's not what saddens me...what saddens me is that the kids no longer eat for free when we go out anymore.

   Mark Facebook needs to get his crap together!

   I think some of my Facebook friends make completely irrational decisions in life that make no sense whatsoever, and we should hangout more.

   I poured my heart out and it evaporated. FML

   Women hate cargo pants and cargo shorts because they illustrate the tactical inferiority of the purse.

   Overheard at the coffee shop: “Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?” Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.

   I'm a porn again Christian.

   The current generation should be called mushrooms because they've been fed crap and kept in the dark

   I thought my pet rock was sick... Turns out it was just stoned

   When you will lie about anything, you will lie about everything.

   Thought for the day: The forest was shrinking yet trees kept voting for the axe because its handle was made of wood and they thought it was one of them.

   If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, there would be World Peace for about two hours. Immediately followed by a global food shortage.

   I can't get over how intelligent smartphones are getting as mine just filmed a 20-minute documentary about itself all on its own about its life in a pocket.

   I met MicroSoft owner Bill Windows.

   The first thing I notice on a girl are her eyes. Unless she's not looking, then it's her tiits...

   Everytime I do something dumb, I just remind myself that at least I don't believe in a imaginary guy named 'Q' who can do anything in this world. That always makes me feel better.

   I think I may have been abducted by aliens last night. At about 2AM I blinked and the next thing I knew it was 3AM .. a whole hour I can't account for....

   I've watched Shrek every night this week and I still cannot find any clues as to how Donkey impregnated the dragon.

   Q: What do you get when you cross a Pirate and a Pedophile? A: Arrrr Kelly

   I changed all my clocks but I forgot to change my watch. So now I can't find it, because it's like, in the past, man.