Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 661 of 6382
.I accidentally took one of my wife's One-A-Day Vitamins for Women this morning. I've been trying to get dressed for three hours but everything makes me look fat.
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09-07-2018 08:58
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I can take either sugar, Sweet n Low, Splenda or Stevia in my coffee. You could say I'm ambidexrose.
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09-07-2018 08:48
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There are 3 unwritten rules fop a good life. #1.........................#2........................ #3.........................
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09-07-2018 06:17 by Haha
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My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."
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09-06-2018 01:21 by Truman
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"If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?
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09-06-2018 00:32
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Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.
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09-05-2018 13:43
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Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?
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09-05-2018 13:37
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Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.
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09-05-2018 13:30
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genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish
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09-05-2018 13:06
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My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.
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09-05-2018 07:22
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If you have a kid named Cody your chances of owning a 4-wheeler increase by 150%.
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09-05-2018 02:44
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I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.
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09-04-2018 13:55 by Stevielea
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Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.
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09-04-2018 13:29
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You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.
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09-04-2018 10:01
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OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?
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09-04-2018 09:57
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Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.
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09-04-2018 09:47
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Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!
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09-04-2018 03:10 by Stevielea
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After Monday and Tuesday, even the caledar says WTF.
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09-04-2018 00:43 by Haha
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Anyone remember when it was normal
for kids to go outside & be gone all day,
but parents wouldn’t know where you were,
just that you better be home when it is dark?
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09-03-2018 16:56
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If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.
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09-03-2018 10:39 by Rick
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