Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Survival Tip - If you get lost in the woods start talking politics and someone will show up to argue with you...

   Ladies If your going to cut off all your hair and go bald just give us a warning. I'm sitting here wondering when did I add this dude on my profile page?

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score! WooHoo!

   If you want to repeal something, please for the love of God don't replace it with nothing!

   Sometimes I think I'm an intelligent person and other times I want to get married.

   Did you ever noticed how much weight a chicken can gain and it never shows on their faces ?

   My wife went to a shady oral surgeon for implants and now her teeth are 36D's!

   Finally got around to filling out my bracket yesterday and guess what? perfect bracket so far

   I don't always have time to Spring Clean, but when I do, I Don't!

   I don't usually get asked out by women, but when I do it's usually on the first of April.

   When you believe everything is a conspiracy theory, blame 8t on psychosis.

   why is everyone working out? is there a war coming that I don't know about?

   Digital world explained simply. Earlier -First thing in the morning - Toothpaste. Now -First thing in the morning - Copy Paste.

   I'm too old to be uncomfortable on purpose.

   All conspiracy theories are based on the premise that the government is extremely clever. But most of the time the government is actually extremely stupid.

   If you ever feel like air-drumming while driving always play a Def Leppard song. That way you can still keep one hand on the wheel.

   I just bought a robotic vacuum cleaner that not only works great it allows me to get something productive done while looking at facebook!

   Give up carbs?? Over my bread body!!

   The best murder weapon would be a Tupperware lid because no one would be able to find it.

   Having babies is the solution to all of the world's problem? Sigh.