Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife brought home a tub of ice-cream and asked if I wanted some. "How hard is it?" I asked. She cheekily replied, "As hard as you when you're thinking about me naked!". I said "Go on then, pour me a glass."

   "If a mute person burps, does it make a sound?

   Once you eat the good cheese, you can never go back.

   Just ghosted a guy for the first time. What do you guys usually do with the body?

   Welcome to your 40s. You are no longer the target audience for anything cool.

   genie: so what's your 3rd wish me: I wish you had amnesia genie: so what's your 1st wish

   My boss wants to send me for training in Time Management. Yeah. Like I'm supposed to fit that into my already overloaded schedule.

   If you have a kid named Cody your chances of owning a 4-wheeler increase by 150%.

   I didn't go to the gym today,....but the cashier's name at Macdonald's was Jim...sooo same thing.

   Social media will make you think certain people are way out of your league, only to find out that they also think you are way out of their league.

   You know a woman is a keeper if she picks the iron when she's playing Monopoly.

   OK. So I danced like no one was watching. Anyone know a good lawyer?

   Losing an argument with your woman? Just tell her "My mom was right about you" to get the upper hand.

   Keep the earth clean! It isn't Uranus!

   After Monday and Tuesday, even the caledar says WTF.

   Anyone remember when it was normal for kids to go outside & be gone all day, but parents wouldn’t know where you were, just that you better be home when it is dark?

   If you missed the 3 seasons of McCain's funeral you can now watch it on Netflix.

   I hate spelling errors. . You mix up two letters and your whole post is urined.

   I'm going ghost hunting. If you don't hear from me again... Try contacting me through EVP.

   Ain't it funny how the night moves When you just don't seem to have as much to lose Strange how the night moves With autumn closing in....