Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   it OK to cut in front of someone wearing all Camouflage?

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.

   Me no study, me no care, me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry, me go marry another rich guy.

   There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.

   If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

   Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"

   Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face

   Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!

   Vegetarians don't eat meat but they want their food to look like meat. Got it.

   Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point

   I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.

   How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti: Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2

   I like my coffee black just like my sabbath

   Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.

   Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.

   This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.