Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you care more about what others think about you than what you think about you, you're doing it wrong...

   If I ever choke to death on gummy bears, can we just say I was killed by bears and leave it at that?

   Never put all your eggs in one basket.....unless they're chocolate.....and it's my basket

   Some girls don't like to walk in the rain because it puts their face back to the default factory settings...

   Going to the Guns 'n Roses concert tonight. I hope the noise doesn't give me cancer tonight.

   When Luke Skywalker yells "Get to the walker now!" it has a whole new meaning.

   I bought a pair of underwear today. In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’. In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

   writing, "He owed me $50" in the funeral guest book wrong?

   I've spent the better part of my marriage battling to get these two strings inside my wife's shirt to actually stay on this hanger

   Have you ever farted so hard you saw cartoon birds circling your head?

   Turns out,the ball washer at the golf course is just for golf balls..I owe that trio of nuns an apology .

   No one lives in Windmill Alley anymore. They all died of cancer.

   Don't feel bad if no one talks to you on social media sites as all we could do is type.

   Thoughts and prayers going out to everyone affected by Wind Noise Cancer.

   If you people truly believe we're in danger then you are a f-ing moron.

   Windmill noise causes cancer? I learn something new everyday.

   Want to know the secret to happiness? Deactivate your Facebook account like people used to take the phone off the hook.

   80% of corporate employees are suffering from AIDS ? Appraisal & Increment Deficiency Syndrome

   Crazy how people are more worried about getting Avocados then drugs and trafficing

   Hey, little regular fry in with my curly fries. Just be yourself, buddy.