Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Based on how much my body cracks and pops when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   Still waiting to use “y=mx + b” in real life

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   I cannot believe Monday got the audacity to be tomorrow..

   At least Buffalo Bill gave his prisoners lotion and a basket.

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   anybody knows the booking agent to DR? its for my ex

   I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   Money will change me I don't wanna lie. So please enjoy me while I am still broke.

   Lets just paint a happy little red wave right here ~Bob Ross~

   From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.