Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   new band idea: nippleback

   I burped & now I'm hungry. Along the same lines, I wonder if a big fart right now would make me horny.

   When I was younger I used to sneak out Of my home to go to parties, now I sneak away from parties to go home.

   Since 1/20/17 I feel like I'm in the 1988 movie "The Live" and I'm one of the few people with a pair of the sunglasses.

   Ask-hole: Someone who constantly asks for advice then does the opposite of what you told them.

   Have you ever lost your sunglasses on top of your head?…me neither…

   Have you ever been to Medieval Times? I like Medieval Times, but if they wanted to have a real medieval experience, they would knock out half your teeth and give you food that would give you dysentery.

   Woke up this morning and found out that someone had put Vegetables in the Beer Crisper.

   I love Fall.... Unless it's Cold, Damp and Dark. Then I hate Fall.

   Don't hit people with glasses. Use your fists.

   it too much to hope that my good cholesterol will be a positive influence on my bad cholesterol.

   As soon as the new iPhone was announced, a weird thing happened. My old iPhone started begging for its life.

   The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.

   I wonder if Flo from the Progressive commercials has a nephew. If she does, I feel kind of bad for him. I mean, its gotta be a little awkward telling his friends that his Aunt Flo is coming to town.

   That annoying moment when you cannot find the long side of your blanket.

   Today's Tip of the Day:Taste your words before you spit them out.

   Today's Tip: Look at each failure as a deposit made into the account that will help you write the check for your next significant success.

   Sixty percent of Americans ages 18-25 couldn't identify Col. Sanders in the KFC logo. In fact, more than half of respondents thought it was one of the band members of ZZ Top.

   Somebody needs to start a dating site based on Netflix viewing compatibility.

   Saying “just kidding” is a way to tell the truth without getting punched in the face.