Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried a striptease for my wife last night but it didn’t go well. I got my shirt stuck on my head, and by the time I got it off, she fell asleep.

   I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.

   I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.

   Are Nicolas Cage movies terrible because he's in them? Or is Nicolas Cage in movies because they are terrible?

   When Robert E. Lee was in high school, was he voted as Most Likely to Secede?

   Sometimes I get irritated when people ask me simple or even complex questions.. like you have a iPhone right there and you know the WiFi.. Google it! Ugghh I hate finals

   If you ever feel Stupid just think;There are people out there who won't vaccinate their children,but pay for an anti virus for their computer. Let that sink in.

   I'm so broke right now that American Express called me and said: "Leave home without it."

   Million dollar idea. A new line of make-up called Facebook Filters.

   What if I told you everyone you know on social networking websites is me.

   Ah, yes...what lovely blouse shall I stain with food today?

   I've started investing in stocks. Beef, Chicken, and Vegetable. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.

   Make a decision; right or wrong. The roads are paved with squirrels that couldn't make up their minds.

   My underwear is so old, that my tighty whities are no longer tight or white.

   a good feeling: to wake up in the morning and realizing you have 5 more hours to sleep.

   I don't care about a politician's tax returns. I want to see their IQ test results.

   I once survived a bear attack with nothing but a knife. I stabbed my buddy in the leg and took off running...

   A small town lawyer will go broke but 2 small town lawyers will both get rich...

   Which essential oil should I put in my butt?

   It’s like no one is talking about how Game of Thrones fans are due for a world of hurt very soon