Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Goo Goo Dolls are opening for Lady Gaga. Fans are sure to go Goo Goo Gaga over it.

   A woman knocked on my door collecting for a feminist organization. So I gave her some Razors.

   How sad it must be when people have no choice but to believe the nonsense that scientists have devoted their entire lives to deceiving you...

   If I could time travel I'd go to my funeral and take names of people who seemed to be handling it a little too well.

   It's not always the one that got away that troubles me the most, as sometimes it's the one that won't go away.

   Putin has an amazing slap shot in the hockey game he played. Meaning you'll get slapped and then shot if you don't let him score.

   I don't know why but I always end up making just a little bit too much spaghetti for myself to eat. Anyways, if anyone's hungry come on over. And bring like five friends.

   Casinos,steaks,universities,a brand of Vodka and now our country. Open your eyes people.

   If you don't smile and show everyone your teeth when you're eating Oreos then you're probably more mature than me.

   It's amazing how far humans have come since the caveman days when people used to communicate by writing on walls....oh wait, we still do. Never mind.

   Some people would rather stay ignorant and self-satisfied.

   Avatar is the highest grossing film of all time. Can someone please explain why we let THAT happen?

   What do you call an Indian with no money? Brokeahontas.

   A belt may hold up your pants but belt loops hold up the belt, so who's the real hero??

   My fly's been down all day ... so I left some feces particles on the toilet seat to try to cheer him up.

   You had me at "We'll make it look like an accident."

   I have my doubts about all these new "smart waters" considering how easily they were captured and bottled

   I recently bought a toilet brush. To make a long story short, I'm going back to toilet paper.

   If my dog has taught me anything, it's avoid people at all cost and take as many naps as possible

   IT'S 2019 Why Isn't there like a booth to get my abs developed in an hour or less yet ?