Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When people hate you, hold your head high and your finger higher.

   I said Alexa, what do women want? The damn thing has not shut up for the past three days.

   Anyone want some staples? Hold your hands out!..[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[ [[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[....enough?

   “Did you check your pockets?” - to a kangaroo who’s lost a child!

   Pro tip: Bakeries don't check ID's so you can buy a birthday cake whenever you want!!

   Does a white man using chopsticks to eat count as cultural appropriation?

   First rule of Fast Food management: Always put the employee with the worst accent on the drive-thru.

   Every loaf of bread is a tragic story about a field of grain that could have become beer but didn't.

   The NFL has determined that we will follow the 1 Mississippi, 2 Mississippi,..... rule before allowing defenders to tackle quarterbacks.

   i bought an awesome watch the other day, It was waterproof, shockproof, fireproof, bulletproof, acidproof, childproof & scratchproof. I lost it.

   There's a big difference between a wise guy and a wise man...

   Hot dogs, peas and applesauce, hum hum.... Hot dogs, peas, and applesauce, hum hum.

   Whenever I played the piano when I was a kid, my dog would howl. Eventually getting fed up with the dog's howling. My dad said for goodness sakes, can you play something the dog does't know.

   Never trust a person who doesn't sing along to Bohemian rhapsody when it comes on the radio!

   I'm not the sort of person who is in a position to cast the first stone, but I sure as hell will cast the second one.

   In a crowded room I like to let out a silent but deadly fart then shout "do I smell popcorn" so everyone gets a good whiff!

   ATTENTION!!! Heavy rain is on the forecast this week, please use permanent markers for your eyebrows.

   [Breaking News] Australian strawberries found in Salisbury!

   As a New Yorker " aight bet " could mean " I totally agree with you" or possibly your life is in danger

   "What's the new baby's name?" "We don't know..we can't understand a word he says!"