Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A woman rammed her grocery cart into mine and didn’t apologize, so I followed her around the store and took things out of her cart when she wasn’t looking. Am I a stalker?

   Ever notice that Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, drooling, or unaware of what year you’re in.

   Doctor's orders say at least 30 crunches a day....That's an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot.

   Nothing you can ever accomplish will make your parents any happier than the first time you slept through the night.

   My wife thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it's cause I'm afraid she might try to poison me.

   The Golden State Warriors are losing the NBA championship on purpose because they don't want to visit the White House.

   someone needs to make a cereal that's in the shape of little cows...when you add the milk, you're milking the cows

   We lost our moon to Mars? This is so saddening.

   lot of traffic and your Alexa ranking isn’t as strong as it could be.

   I finally finished reading “Great Expectations “ . It wasn’t all I hoped for.

   I'm no good at push ups, or pull ups or sit ups...I'm pretty good at f**k ups though.

   Alcohol is the lube I use to slide through life.

   The true definition of patriotism: check out the canadians singing their nation anthem when the NBA finals is played in Canada.

   My therapist says I am too preoccupied by vengeance. Yeah, well we'll see about that.

   I asked "Alexa, what do women want" This thing havent shut up for three days now

   When you sit on the toilet you connect your butt hole to a city wide network of other connected butt holes

   Of course I'm am an organ donor. Who wouldn't want a piece of this!?

   Anyone know where I can find a Facebookers Anonymous meeting? Asking for a friend.

   The biggest problem with eating healthy is that I don’t wanna do that.

   Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but legend has it that she's still telling me about herself....