Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Me: What do you want to do tonight? Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and — Me: *already asleep*

   [at the mall with my husband] Me singing softly: She's just a girl and she's on fire.. Hubby: *shoots dirty look* Me, ignoring: Ohhhh, she's got her head in the clouds and- Hubby: Shhh! Me: THIS GIRL IS ON FIRE!! FIIIYAHHHH

   The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald's eating hotcakes and sausage.

   Denmark says they're going to loan Greenland to Canada just to mess with and piss off Trump.

   If you see me talking to myself just ignore it. I'm self employed and we're having a staff meeting...

   I didn't mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone.

   just found out the guy I'm dating is married. wild. I always just thought he was doing a bad borat impression.

   One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.

   My son answered a test question "What causes the earth to rotate?" with "Fat bottomed girls." He failed the test but won my RESPECT.

   I can't wait for Kim Kardashian to get old

   Just bought a pair of velcro shoes. What a rip off.

   A solid way to make your waiter's head explode is to order a grilled cheese with no bread.

   If your ever feeling unloved and unwanted where no one calls or text you anymore, let me give you a word of advice I gave to a friend that instantly fixed her problem, which is check to make sure your phone isn't in airplane mode.

   Some days I think I'm slightly intelligent, other days I try to take a screenshot of my cracked phone screen

   Everyone knows that your eyebrows are drawn on, we just wish you'd make them lightning bolts once in a while.

   I simply haven't seen enough solid evidence that suggests not drinking is better than drinking.

   I put the cute in electrocute.

   Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit

   Has anyone ever bought your kid a whistle? You might be entitled to financial compensation.

   I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this lady if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”