Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If I am ever investigated by the F.B.I. , I hope my investigation last as long as the Kavanaugh investigation lasted.

   If you get a friend request from me...I have not been hacked, maybe I am just lonely and trying to be your friend a 2nd time.

   My therapist told me to write letter to the people I hate and then burn them. OK. I did that, now what do I do with all these letters?

   Don't you hate it when you think you see a good parking spot but then you turn the corner and Stuart f@&k!Ng little is parked there.

   Did I already post my Alzheimer's status?

   I didn't get the president's alert test tex, but I did get a tex, two big macs, fish filet, large fry, large diet coke.

   So, now that Conor no longer has a place in boxing and in the octagon, I heard WWE is hiring.

   Unable to purchase McGregor`s Proper Twelve Whiskey from his website, says he is currently tapped out.

   Straight guy definitely understand consent when a gay guy tries to touch him.

   I've never had a DUI. Bet you can't steal this status lmao

   Why weigh yourself when you could set yourself on fire then roll in broken glass and feel the same way!

   Most people wake up feeling like a million bucks, me? I wake up feeling like insufficient funds.

   I asked my mechanic what would happen to my car if I stepped on the gas and break at the same time, he looked at me and told me the car would take a screenshot.

   (To the theam song of Barney & Friends)...... I like beer..... You like beer..... Everone here liiiikes beer..... So lets all go to the bar...... And have a few ew ew beers.

   It’s one of those days where I just have so many questions like, How does Darth Vader poop?

   The problem with society today is that no one drinks out of the skuls of their enemies anymore.

   Every time I feel like saying something I shouldn't . I ask my self, what would the president do? Then I go head and say it.

   .. HIJKLMNO is the chemical formula for water, right? ...... H to O

   ... Not all fairy tales start with "Once upon a time." Some start with "If I am elected president."

   My girlfriend cured me of my constipation by telling me she thought she was pregnant.