Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 648 of 6446

Me no study, me no care, me go marry a millionaire. If he die, me no cry, me go marry another rich guy.
←Rate |
06-14-2019 08:58
Comments (0)

There's a prince of whales? I hope he doesn't venture into Japanese waters.
←Rate |
06-13-2019 17:47
Comments (0)

If you gets a link called 'free porn' don't open it. It is a birus wich deactivates your spelchek and garblis up you riting. I also receibed it but lukily I dont does porn so I dint opin it. Lil

Word of advice guys. When a girl says "Awe thanks, that's so sweet of you" take a hint as what she's really trying to say is "Back to the friendzone with you!"
←Rate |
06-13-2019 11:36 by Moon
Comments (0)

Congrats on your recent weight loss! Now if only you could cardio your way to a better face
←Rate |
06-13-2019 10:02 by PongLenis
Comments (0)

Sorry this card’s a bit late, but I guess you used to think you showed up a bit late... like bad decisions and condoms. Congrats on your new baby!
←Rate |
06-13-2019 10:00 by PongLenis
Comments (0)

Vegetarians don't eat meat but they want their food to look like meat. Got it.
←Rate |
06-12-2019 16:26
Comments (1)

Two touchdowns for the US Women's team...too bad they missed that second extra point
←Rate |
06-12-2019 15:08
Comments (0)

I'm the kind of egomaniac who would walk out of an Olive Garden, bragging that I negotiated endless breadsticks into the price of the meal.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 16:28
Comments (0)

How to cook the perfect amount of spaghetti:
Step 1. Remove from box how much you think you need. Step 2. Eliminate half the amount you thought you needed. Step 3. Invite a friend over for spaghetti if you want to skip step 2
←Rate |
06-11-2019 15:52 by moon
Comments (0)

I like my coffee black just like my sabbath
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:46
Comments (0)

Disneyland prices are now well over $100 a person, maybe now they'll buy Donald Duck some pants.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:46
Comments (0)

Bob Seger is a much improved chess player. He's been workin' on his knight moves.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:46
Comments (0)

This morning My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening! She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:45
Comments (0)

Billion dollar Idea: Pepperoni staples for when the cheese keeps sliding off your pizza
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:44
Comments (0)

The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued. Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:44
Comments (0)

My Wife just told me to take my phone and stick it where the sun don't shine. So I just booked a $553 flight to Seattle. Women make no sense some days.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:44
Comments (0)

[training the new person at work] Them: so you do this everyday? Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:43
Comments (0)

Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:43
Comments (0)

Happy birthday to Ed Lowe, the man who invented Kitty Litter. Here's what I admire about Ed Lowe. Here was a guy who was thinking inside the box.
←Rate |
06-11-2019 06:43
Comments (0)