Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A real SMART TV will start raising it's volume when you start eating chips.

   I just saw a man with one arm go into a second hand store.

   Found a great feature Facebook has that not only gives you more privately, it blocks drama and give you more free time to do the things you want to do. And if you'd like to try it go to "Settings" then to "Account Ownership" then click on "Delete Account"

   When does hibernation start? Because I'm 100% participating in that!!

   My ability to remember song lyrics from the 80's far exceeds my ability to remember why I walked into the kitchen.

   If my kids knew the oven had a light, they'd leave it on too...

   Wednesday morning? might as Well call it rensday roaring!

   Bought some unsalted almonds by accident today. Turns out, I like salt, not almonds.

   As I watch this generation try to rewrite history, one thing I'm sure of.... it will be misspelled and have no punctuation..

   If your wife or gf is charging her electric toothbrush more than once a week, she isn't just brushing her teeth...

   I hope aliens don't land in the next few years, because this is a really embarrassing time for humanity!

   Do not accept a Friend Request from Lizzie Borden. You will get hacked.

   Adulting fail #86: Turned on the wrong burner and have been cooking nothing for the last 20 minutes.

   there are two words in life that will open many doors for you: pull and push.

   I'm trying to get my MIL to go ice fishing before the ice get too thick.

   Flat Earthers are really good at making me feel smart

   If you receive a Friend Request from Hormel Foods, don't accept it. It might be Spam.

   Time heals all wounds, so if your uninsured, get a watch!

   I have nothing in common with people who have "left over" pain killers

   Hot singles in my area have heard about me and are moving to other areas