Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What's all this fuss about gay rights? I'm pretty sure there are a lot more gay lefts out there...

   Ice bank mice elf.. say it real fast 10X

   I can't believe that Ariana and Pete broke up! And also that worldwide climate catastrophe is imminent!

   The weather temperature when from 90 to 55 like it saw a State Trooper.

   Life consists of avoiding people you have seen naked, while trying to find new people to see naked?

   If you leave a cupcake out long enough, it just becomes a cookie

   Autocorrect can be your best friend or your worst enema.

   You can say "Have a nice day!" with no problem but you can't say "Enjoy the next 24 hours." without sounding mildly threatening.

   What if... what if dogs love us so much because they know we're made of bones.

   Building a treehouse is the biggest insult to a tree. "I killed your friend. Here, hold him."

   What did our parents do to kill boredom before the internet? I asked my 26 brothers and sisters and they didn't know either.

   Business in the front, party in the back! Linda’s Accounting And Brothel Services.

   Five minutes into a jog, I convince myself that my personality is enough and jog into a McDonalds

   Not to brag but you’ll never have to tell me to slow down.

   Real life friends? In this economy??

   The lack of hair is the main cause of baldness.

   Paintball is so much more fun when the other people at Wal-mart don't I'm playing.

   My wife texted me a selfie and asked if her dress made her look fat, I sai Noo it was autocorrected to Moo... I need help!

   If the best things in life are free, why am I still charged when I go to the liquor store?

   They told me I’d never be any good at poetry because I’m dyslexic, but so far I’ve made two jugs and a vase!