Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I was arrested by a policeman for sitting in the park not doing anything. The charge was impersonating a politician.

   (eats exactly one apple) where is my health you wretched orb!

   I was talking to the local kids last night, telling them they are ruining what our fore father's created. One kid said, "my mom sleeps around but I ain't got four fathers!". I shook my head and got his mom's number.

   I'm giving myself a medal for taking care of a problem I created in the first place.

   I start every day with Cap'n Crunch, and end every day with Captain Morgan because apparently I want to be a Pirate..

   You've officially reached your middle ages when you have a meat trap between two teeth...

   Money will change me I don't wanna lie. So please enjoy me while I am still broke.

   Lets just paint a happy little red wave right here ~Bob Ross~

   From the size of the crowd I would say wrong again .

   Just because you lost me as a friend doesn’t mean you gained me as an enemy. I still want to see you eat, just not at my table.

   When I was a kid, selfies used to be called narcissism.

   I’ve done some terrible things for money...... Like getting up early to go to work. ‬

   I remember when I used to get nostalgic. Those were the days...

   Like this status if you're the type of person who likes to carry all your groceries into your house in one trip, but then realize at the front door you have so many bags in your hands you can't get the keys out of pocket.

   Besides my good looks, honesty, charm, witty personality and my incredible sense of humor I have to say that my greatest characteristic is my modesty.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place.

   Live music can sometimes take me to another place. Like today for example I saw a band who were so bad I left I went to another place spirit.

   I don't want to live anymore I'm going on vacation to Santo Domingo

   it OK to cut in front of someone wearing all Camouflage?

   Just once in my life I'd like to finish a project as easily as they make it seem in the how to YouTube videos.