Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   People are usually shocked when they find out I'm not a very good electrician.

   Nothing says "4th of July" than a huge tank.

   Looks like everyone has staycation the week 4th of July. Party animals, huh?

   The Lord moves in mysterious ways, but you don't have to. Use your turn signal!

   Remember friends, You can always count on me to bring my famous recipe of "bag of ice" to your July4th cookout.

   No matter where I go, everyone is always like, “Hey how did you get past security?”

   Millennials look at Joe Biden like a rotary phone is running for President.

   Now it's too hot out to take the Christmas lights down.

   I went to see a chiropractor. It was about a week back.

   I'm sweating like Joe Biden around an unsupervised child

   Whoever designed my new phone that uses power to light up, beep and shake on and off for 15 minutes or so before it dies should be fired.

   Based on how much my body cracks and pops when I work out, I'm pretty sure I'm about 74% Rice Krispies.

   I wonder what Mark Zuckerberg does to kill time?

   Still waiting to use “y=mx + b” in real life

   Give that man two medals! One for being an idiot and another in case he loses the first one.

   I cannot believe Monday got the audacity to be tomorrow..

   At least Buffalo Bill gave his prisoners lotion and a basket.

   To clarify: teachers are not "off for the summer", they are in recovery. ‬

   Cable guys was just in my neighborhood, asked me what time it was.. I said between 8am-1pm..

   anybody knows the booking agent to DR? its for my ex