Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey

   We never dreamed that one day we'd sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.

   If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.

   the four elements are: • earth • fire • air • water • surprise

   Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic

   If it weren't for the gutter my mind would be homeless.

   I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

   Cop: have you been drinking? Stork: no Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg Stork: you have no idea who you're dealing with

   Hey! Remember how fat your arms are? -Summer

   me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me bartender: no me: ... excuse me? bartender (taking my money): you want anything else

   My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can't remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.

   I'm getting the sneaking suspicion that my therapist isn't the one who's supposed to be crying during our sessions.

   Melania's first English words were "You like? You like?" While giving a guy a lap dance.

   Whoever discovered DNA, I hate that person so much. We can't even get away with crimes these days. This sucks ass!

   Panzerband. Duct Tape. Klebebänder. Papierklebeband. Alle Sorten. Malerkrepp. Malerfolie. Doppelklebeband. Teppichband. Schaumklebeband. Alu-Band, Alu-Klebeband. Werkzeug. Hochwertige Waren vom Produzent. Fabrikverkauf. Versand am gleichen Tag

   Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light. He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.

   I’ve been hit on by a number of women. That number is zero.

   I want to win a fake award like "Michigan's man of the year" too.

   Hotel clerk: May I help you? Me: Call an ambulance. HC: What happened? M: I'm not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.