Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My wife's fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.

   When the dryer buzzer scares you so bad you have to do another load of laundry.

   I have not seen anyone mad about the mermaid being black . Except the people that want to people mad ... stopped getting Jussie Smolette its all in your mind

   I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people's mouths are full before asking them how the food is.

   When they kneel during the National Anthem, we should stop the music and announce "Since we are kneeling, let us pray."

   I haven’t dreaded a Monday this bad in a long time. It’s been at least 7 days.

   I'll tell you one thing. If someone called me "insecure" I wouldn't spend three days having a hissy-fit over it.

   The last time I was inside of a woman I was visiting the statue of liberty.

   I stayed up all night trying to remember if I had Amnesia or Insomnia.

   My wife made me a plate of calamari in exchange for helping her clean out her closet. It was a squid pro quo.

   This is ridiculous its July 8th... Neighbors are still shooting off fireworks, one almost caught my Christmas decorations on fire..

   Does anyone have a Volkswagen Beetle? Could I borrow it for an afternoon to drive around and count how many people I see punch one another?

   ME: I miss you KIDNAPPER: Look. I got the ransom money, your family got you back. It's done. Stop calling me.

   I just burnt 550 calories without doing anything. And that's the last time I look at Facebook with pizza in the oven!

   If you're mad about The Little Mermaid not being white, wait until you hear about Jesus.

   I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. Well, it’s true. After going to the gym this morning, I’ve decided I’m never going again.

   Ever feel like the best thing in the world happens to you at the worst times?

   Just want to wish all my single friends out there a very happy Independence Day!

   Which one of you guys posted that ass ugly selfie that broke facebook??

   Relationship Status? Facebook going down today was the first thing to go down on me in years