Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Netflix is raising their rates again, as if we weren't paying enough to endlessly scroll their menu finding nothing good to watch.

   Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking

   Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..

   The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!

   I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.

   I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML

   Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.

   I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.

   I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.

   my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked

   It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".

   There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.

   Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.

   When I was a kid, we used to call tobacco stores and ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" And when they said "Yes we do" we'd say "Well why don't you let him out!?"

   I'm not reading between the lines, I'm reading the lines.

   Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.

   When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.

   What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki

   Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP necks from getting red.

   Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!