Funny Status Messages and Tweets
Funny Status Messages for Facebook, Discord, and Whatsapp and funny tweets for Twitter.
Page: 641 of 6446

Uber, but they come and pick up people that don’t stop talking
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08-02-2019 04:00
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Any pencil can be a number two pencil if you eat it..
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08-02-2019 03:00 by MrSharp
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The Dentist said I need a crown. Finally someone who understands me!
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08-01-2019 20:35
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I don't know about you, but I love paying $1,600 on an iPhone. Thank you, who ever is in charge.
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08-01-2019 17:59
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I asked my wife why she married me. She said “Because you are funny.” I said “I thought it was because I was good in bed.” She said “See? You’re hilarious!” FML
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08-01-2019 10:18
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Taking a dog named "Shark" to the beach is a very bad idea.
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08-01-2019 09:41
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I have decided who I'm going to vote which is, none of facebook's damn business.
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07-31-2019 20:04
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I just want to be as happy as the characters in any horror movie are during the first half hour of the film.
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07-31-2019 04:40 by Moon
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my dr says to eat a piece of meat no bigger than the palm of my hand...good thing the Big Mac is stacked
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07-30-2019 19:59 by Eddy
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It's strange that it's socially acceptable for me to get into a swimming pool with a complete stranger but when I do the same thing in a bathtub, all of a sudden I'm "under arrest".
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07-30-2019 14:03
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There's a good NOVA documentary on Netflix about black holes that will just suck you in.
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07-30-2019 13:57
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Can I lick the beater? Is what I ask when my wife is giving me a hand job.
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07-30-2019 13:53
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When I was a kid, we used to call tobacco stores and ask "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?" And when they said "Yes we do" we'd say "Well why don't you let him out!?"
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07-30-2019 13:07
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I'm not reading between the lines, I'm reading the lines.
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07-29-2019 23:46
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Wonder how there could be a Facebook group on Facebook calledFacebookers Anonymous which must be like trying to hold his successful AA meeting in a bar.
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07-29-2019 21:59
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When an object is not symmetrical, it is called asymmetrical. When an organism doesn't use sex to reproduce, it is classified as asexual. So therefore, my conclusion is if a person doesn't have a soul, they are an asoul.
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07-29-2019 09:11
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What happens when you throw a Finnish sailor overboard? Helsinki
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07-28-2019 18:53
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Ironically, the mullet was probably created to STOP necks from getting red.
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07-28-2019 18:23 by MMTM
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Trying a store brand version of Frosted Flakes which I just have to say are GRRRRRRRRRoss!
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07-28-2019 15:56
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When I woke up this morning my wife said "Did you sleep good?" I said "No, I made a few mistakes."
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07-28-2019 12:03
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