Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   have we checked all food to see if exploding them makes them into something better or did we just stop with corn

   If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.

   Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you

   I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed

   What's it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.

   Tom Cruise is short for tomato filled cruise ship

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ??

   Anyone who thinks Donald Trump represents God has a very low opinion of God.

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   You still talk to your ex? I call BS on that!

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   I can't believe we have a president that had sex with porn stars and wants a space army, and I still hate him.

   Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!

   A friend is typing..... A grand is typing..... A friend is typing..... A friend is typing..... A friend is typing..... Friend says lol

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

   My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

   : The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?