Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you date a guy long enough he'll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high: "Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”

   Apart from shopping and other men, what do women want ??

   Anyone who thinks Donald Trump represents God has a very low opinion of God.

   if I had 10 cookies, and you took half, what would you have? ... THAT'S RIGHT!! A black eye and a broken hand!!!

   You still talk to your ex? I call BS on that!

   My Ex knows enough to have the Clintons put away . Just putting this out .

   I can't believe we have a president that had sex with porn stars and wants a space army, and I still hate him.

   Dont try to change to please someone else. Love yourself, honor yourself, respect yourself, and be your own person, and someone will love you just they way you are!.....Unless of course your just a narcissistic jerk. Then by all.means, change!

   A friend is typing..... A grand is typing..... A friend is typing..... A friend is typing..... A friend is typing..... Friend says lol

   Welcome to the Resistance, Scaramucci. Better late than never.

   My Chinese neighbor man was going to cook his wife a surprise birthday dinner last night. But someone let the "cat" out of the bag.

   My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer's Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.

   : The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.

   besides smashing their face with a hammer, any other cures for snoring?

   Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me

   Laundry: Washing - 30 min Drying - 1 hour Putting away - 7 to 10 days

   Gee, I wonder what idiot hired a guy who had to be “terminated in 11 days from a position he was totally in capable of handling.” What kind of moron gives people government jobs that they have no skill set to handle?

   WOW! I can't believe the Guard who was guarding Jeffery Epstein was killed in an automobile accident - Tomorrow or Monday!

   I wish I was a manager at Disneyland. I'd start every meeting by saying "What kind of a Mickey Mouse operation are we running around here?"

   I Saw A White Boy In Walmart Looking Mad ....So I Left