Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this lady if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

   choosing the perfect podcast to listen to for the 20 second walk taking the trash out so I don’t accidentally exist in silence for a single moment of my life

   Relationship advice: Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.

   bought candy at the movies and suddenly I can't pay this months rent anymore

   RAPUNZEL: oh no I'm out of hair JOHNNY DEPP: *unraveling scarves* I got this

   Wife: Did you hear the water park went out of business? Me: Oh no! Wife: What? Me: Bankruptsea!

   Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.

   Bringing blacks into this country was the worst thing to ever happen here.

   Literally held in a sneeze because I was giving my wife the silent treatment and I didn't want her to bless me.

   When I go swimming I can feel people dressing me with their eyes.

   [teaching teen to drive] Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment for a long time, sweetie. Teen: Shouldn’t you be sitting in the passenger seat? Me: No, this seat is better. *begins kicking her seat*

   ME: Alexa, am I drunk? TUBE OF PRINGLES:

   My parents always taught me to pursue my dreams. That's why I take so many naps.

   You think your wife is crazy now? Try divorcing her

   To make a long story short, just walk away once you're bored.

   I'd rather be an outlaw than an in-law.

   When you look at Twitter's trending topics, it's a lot easier to understand why they have to write "Do Not Eat" on silica gel packets.

   Comedian: Thanks everyone you've been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress. Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you

   friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven't. it's destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends. me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity o

   me: [hitting the space bar] hot alien: hey